Simon Rahn

@IndianaGPA Something here doesn't make sense. You see the two policemen open fire, one on the ground, one behind the truck. Then on body cam, there is another policeman at the passenger side. Would he not be hit by the one lying on the floor?

Another reason I Back the Blue 🔥🔥 🙏🙏 Every encounter could end up like this!

@fesshole And on Friday night I stay in and reprogram space invaders whilst drinking Monster.

IT technician here. If you come to my office to report a problem, I say I'll come and have a look, but just need to grab a couple of cables first so I'll see you there. The cables are mere props. I just don't want to walk with you and have to make awkward smalltalk.

@JavaMole_Coffee @fesshole Absolutely, how on earth did I miss him?🤦

@simonrahn24 @fesshole Tucker!!!

I've just been into my old primary school to give a talk. They asked me who the headteacher was then, I said Mrs McClusky, they couldn't remember her & looked through the archive to no avail. Got home to Google & realised she wasn't my teacher at all, she was off Grange Hill

@pat11669019 @fesshole Sounds like that particular policeman was upset at losing their own drugs. Correct me if I'm wrong, but most toilets have bleach and lime scale remover on them. Not great for eating dinner off or doing drugs I imagine, but then, that's not the point of a toilet cistern.

@fesshole I think pubs now can get onto trouble with the law if they do this now.

I work in a very busy pub, we know a few of our customers do coke in the loos, so we spray WD40 on the sinks, we hear the sad nos and fucks, as WD40 dissolves coke. Strangely nobody ever complains.

@BBCBreaking That's going to make a bottle of European wine a tad expensive. I bet everyone will love that.

US President Donald Trump threatens 200% tariff on European alcohol in response to the EU's 50% tax on US whiskey - follow live bbc.in/4iMkUhN

@fesshole Was it a birthday suit? That would be acceptable.

Hired who I thought was a top chap. Great work performance, but turned up to the Christmas party in a suit with no socks. Thankfully he was still on probation so was able to get rid of him first week of January.

@fesshole You've made triple figures. Well played.

Husband and I started to keep count of how many times we had sex 6 years ago as part of a joke that we can't even remember. Our best annual count was 162. We now discuss our sex life like middle managers taking about boosting our numbers and what % we're up/down each month

@fesshole Wait a minute, what else would they be doing? Oh god, you don't mean? Well that's screwed my day up because that's what I always thought up to 30 seconds ago and I'm 50. I feel I may need counselling 😬

Until I was in my thirties I thought the first little piggy was going to market to buy groceries.

@fesshole Good luck with the food poisons that will develop overnight as a result of not being kept in the fridge.

New boyfriend got into my car and said how lovely it smells. That's because I leave a curry in there overnight and eat it for breakfast in the gym car park, after I've done my workout. The cardamom has infused the fabric of the seat coverings. He's right. It's glorious.

@BBCBreaking Loved his style of painting.

Painter Jack Vettriano, best known for his painting The Singing Butler, has died aged 73 bbc.in/4h4IyF9

@buitengebieden Staying alive

What’s he doing? 🤔

@BBCBreaking Does anyone actually care?

Andrew and Tristan Tate land in the US after leaving Romania, where they face rape and sex trafficking charges - follow live bbc.in/4iis9Ol

@qikipedia I clearly fidget spin a lot then😬

Researchers have found that using fidget spinners can make you worse at retaining information.

@fesshole Bet you're fun at parties.

Saw a sign in a department store that mistakenly used "less" when it should be "fewer". Furious, I complained to their customer service via email and told them off for letting standards slip. Only after sending it did I realise they were using it correctly and I had got it wrong

@CyclistSurrey @fesshole But he can't get no satisfaction 😁

@fesshole Poor old mick jagger, always been desperate for a bit of action

When I was a kid my dad's best mate was in a band. Some weekends he would pretend to have a gig and load up his car to go away and cheat on his wife. Did it for years. I often think about the effort he put in nearly every weekend for a decade just for a shag. Sad really.

@fesshole She probably prefers that to you peeing in it.

Discovered that the sink in the main bathroom is about an inch higher than the one in the downstairs toilet. Can't ever mention it to the wife due to the fact that the reason I discovered this is by having a sneaky wank in to the sink.

@fesshole Parenting, the toughest job you can't quit.

I've always thought Dads that run out on their kids are absolute scumbags. But now I'm a Dad, I totally get it.

@fesshole Low and slow, stir once with a rubber spatula. That's it.

On a walking holiday in Wales w/ friends, each day one of us would make breakfast. Another guy made much better porridge than me, but I publicly and stubbornly refused to acknowledge it, saying mine was the best. His was MUCH better - creamy and delicious. I dream about it still.

@fesshole Mum's are always right in the end.

As a child, Mum never let me wear all black because she thought it "inappropriate." I hated this rule and now let my own children wear whatever they wish. My 12 year old son is now in full emo costumes daily and I kick myself for not listening to good old Mum.