Robert Cardwell

@cmcoy3971 Yep, the police are just round the corner…

So bus and rail services are suspended in Coleraine so racists filth can “protect women and children” by committing arson on the train line 🤬

@smokybacon_ @PeterMcmullan13 The Police have the road blocked at the junction with Long Commons.

Protests in Coleraine, I asked them why they are blocking roads. They told me they are scared of their daughters getting raped by Muslim men. Its sad to see people being led so easily. #coleraine

@fesshole Get better friends.

I work as a self employed landscape gardener. I pretend I'm in it for the money, but really there's nothing I find more interesting than botany and flower arranging. I'm a 35 year old man, and if my friends ever found out about this I'd be disowned.

@FerrisYouMyHero @fesshole 🏆

@fesshole Surely they give you an allen key for that

My wife's very attractive friend messaged me to over to help with some DIY, while my wife was away and obviously in secret. Genuinely thought this was an affair so took a Viagra before I went. Absolutely wasn't and spent four hours building IKEA cabinets with an erection.

@TheBishF1 Wasn’t this filmed at Hanger Straight?

If you’re a Brit, around my age (62), a petrolhead, a bit of a movie buff, & relaxing at home this chilly Sunday evening, you’re watching #Thunderball (’65) on ITV4 - right? Everyone knows the Aston Martin DB5. #AnorakFact: the car that goes up in flames is a Ford Fairlane.

@fesshole I had to use the word tarmacing in a work report some time back and googled how to spell it…. I closed the work browser so quickly that I’m still not 100% sure how many ‘c’s there should be…

I had to look up how to create a mask in the GNU Image Manipulation Program (GIMP) and innocently Googled "Gimp masking". On a work computer. Not in private browsing.

@cambridgepunted @fesshole It’s not that parents of a second or third child ‘can’t be bothered’. It’s that we’re knackered and there aren’t enough hours in the day!

@fesshole As a second child I know we are generally overlooked on a lot of things. Parents get all excited about their first child and make a load of effort and promise loads of things. Second one comes along... can't be bothered anymore. They can fend for themselves...

Just before my first kid was born, I handwrote a letter to him expressing my hopes and dreams for him, my fears & feelings as a new dad, as a gift for him to open on his 18th birthday. I've just realised to my horror that I completely forgot to do the same for my second.

@fesshole When our children were that age I couldn’t have picked myself out of a line up.

I have a 4 month old boy. He's gorgeous, happy and so loveable. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's changed mine and my partners lives, and I never knew it was possible to love this much. But I'm not convinced I'd be able to identify him in a line-up.

@nirailways Time table is currently saying that Derry line services are cancelled. Any updates?

#TRAIN #ENT Due to poor weather conditions all rail services are suspended until further notice Apologies for any inconvenience this may cause #StormDarragh

@Carl_Baron @fesshole I hear he’s a big wheel down at the qwacker factory.

Every morning I go to the duck pond, not to feed the ducks, but to establish dominance. I throw bread in, then snatch it back before they get it. The ducks know me now. They just watch, defeated. I am the Bread King of the pond.

@fesshole If it’s the NHS, they expect you to die. Seriously though, the NHS is great.

This year I've had quite a few hospital scans. Without fail, when I lay down on the bed to be pushed into the scanner I become James Bond in Goldfinger with the laser inching towards my groin and their "Do you expect me to talk" exchange plays in my head. Every. Single. Time.

@AllisonMorris1 It’s interesting to see how the rest of GB deals with the kind of cretins that we have to put up with every summer. Maybe a certain political party should be pushing for this to be one of the ways that we should be treated ‘just like the rest of GB’.

Those English fast track courts aren’t messing about

@DiscoNapkin @fesshole Uvavu indeed DiscoNapkin.

I'm British, grew up in the 90s and work in comedy, but I've never understood Vic and Bob. I'd like to – my friends seem to have a great time – but I don't get it. 30 years of pretending to laugh when a man shouts uvavu.

@SaraONeillArt It’s the same all over this community sadly. There is so much history to embrace and move forward with but their political leadership is stuck in the past, manipulating the electorate for their own ends and completely unimaginative about the future. It’s so sad to see.

With the new transport hub opening nearby, it’s a good time to regenerate Sandy Row. Lean into the history of the area & embrace the future. ‘Draw shoppers from all over Belfast’ again. But that’s not gonna happen if the place is known as a no-go area for some.

I used to be on Sandy Row regularly as my printer was there, no doubt it has been neglected but forcing people who want to invest in the area out is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. More dereliction. Support those who invest & contribute & vote for real political leadership.

@CalROusby1990 @fesshole Came here to say this. Church spires, elevators and huge panes of glass in the backs of trucks.

@fesshole You should watch The Omen, that'll help and clear things up

I've had a fear of churches since I was a kid. If I ever have to explain it, I tell people its because I have a fear of God. Less embarrassing than telling the truth - that I watched Hot Fuzz far too young and was scarred for life by the guy getting crushed by the church spire.

@fesshole If you want people to think you’re a drummer, get a job delivering pizzas.

Sometimes when walking down the street, or maybe on the tube, I pretend to be practicing my drumming. So people know that I'm a drummer and ultimately a cool guy. Never played drums in my life and a mediocre guitar player.

@SaraONeillArt There was a big pod of dolphins off Barmouth last night. Looked like they were having a whale of a time (sorry, think I have sunstroke!)

That’s more like it 🌞

@bigajm @fesshole Memory is hazy but I remember it as being on Shooting Stars.

@skylab007 @fesshole Yep, same sketch. Donald and Davey Stott doing the interview, iirc?

Professional racing driver here. I race at a high level all over the world. But I still do the "neeeeooooooowwwwww" sound of a car going past In my head when I overtake someone.

@bigajm @fesshole To Damon Hill “do you go really fast on the straight bits?”. Also Bob Mortimer

@fesshole "Do you have a map of each circuit, or do you just follow all the other cars?" - Bob Mortimer

@SaraONeillArt Nothing but colonialism. Sad that resources that could be fixing the problems around the Lough are propping up a country pile in England to generate an income stream for the landed gentry. Even more sad that many of our politicians are complicit.

Great article by Tommy, who does sterling work reporting on Lough Neagh. The link between Lough Neagh & St Giles (the Earl’s stately home in Dorset) is something I think about often. This Vanity Fair article from 2016 blows my mind given the state of the lough now.