Sleath

@our_jesse I’ve been saved as pissfingers in my mate’s phone for 6 years because of this.

@MumbrianSpinner Took me a moment to realise you meant figuratively pissing his pants, and not just that he’s given up on bladder control 🙈

Linton, 58, has a very high IQ, an amazing grasp of mathematics, and an encyclopedic knowledge of military history and paleontology. He has also just been looking up the etymology of "bumder" and pissing his pants.

@ghodryan What an absolute angel you are! That’s so cute

My mum has several carers a day come to help as she has advanced dementia. One of the carers will be celebrating Eid so I’ve made her and her family a basket of treats. My Mum wrote the card but due to the dementia the card just has squiggles. The carer loved them both ☺️

@GLB_88 Well they tried and just got ignored and accused of showing off how great their relationship is 👀🙄

@sleathing2n Not letting anyone speak and then making horrible comments. I can’t believe nobody told them to STFU!

The women who repeatedly say they are girls girls are not, trust me! #MAFS

@jessasstrophe When they see she’s now identifying as female, they’ll be all over that like flies on shit.

RIP Chuck Norris 😔

@PyramidHead76 @our_jesse If you don’t pull far enough forward at a junction

@our_jesse Same thing for people who block an entire junction turning right, like the red car here, instead of moving forward to the blue box to wait, meaning at max one car gets through before the lights change. Plus at least one twat who goes through on red after that.

When I am supreme leader, if you aren’t ready to go at a green light and you cause someone else to miss the allocated window of green lightness then you will surrender your licence for MIN 3 years

The Afroman Trial. -Cops raid Afromans house for bullshit reasons. -Steal money, break his door, fuck his house up. -No criminality found whatsoever, no charges at all pressed on Afroman. -Afroman spends the next 3 years making songs that make fun of all the officers involved by name, even using footage of the raid from his own CCTV cameras. -Songs had titles like "Randy Walters is a son of a bitch" and "Lick Em Low Lisa" accusing one of the officers of being a lesbian and sleeping with the other officers wives. -During the raid one officer looked like he was about to eat some lemon pound cake sitting on Afromans counter, Afroman made a whole album calling the officer fat. -The cops get mad and file a lawsuit for defamation. -Afroman turns up to court in a whole American flag suit. -Officers performatively mald and cry while listening to the songs really trying to oversell how badly the songs upset them. -One officer was suing because Afroman made a whole song about him saying he was fucking the officers wife. When the officer was asked if Afroman was really fucking his wife, he said "I don't know". Nuking his own case and establishing that there is a non-zero chance that Afroman might actually be fucking his wife. -As his only witness for the trial, Afroman brought a deputies EX FUCKING WIFE. -The jury ruled completely in favour of Afroman. This entire thing has been a great win for free speech and absolutely fucking hilarious.

@AndieDelicacy Imagine having that level of self-belief. Could never be me

@sleathing2n They never doubt their intelligence, which is usually a neon sign.

"Once bitten twice shy"

@EadieM3adie @evanpeters39 The “surprise” is trichinella

Can’t even enjoy a delicious bit of asbestos these days because of woke.

@Lauren_83_ 🥳 have the BEST time lovely 💖🥰 you deserve it!

@WillPoole Happy birthday!

Well, 42 was shit. 43 has begun sunny, annihilated from a savage swim session last night and looking forward to a session on the track later.

@PyramidHead76 I realise now those terms were completely unreasonable and I should never have accepted.

@PyramidHead76 I worked for an estate agent 5 years ago, £19k a year in Manchester and I was expected to provide my own car out of that. Meant I had to rent a parking space near my flat, so that added an extra £100 a month to my rent, as well as having to change my insurance to cover work.

I mean it sounds a lot like you as the employer should probably provide them then?

@emilys_waffles I’ve not got there yet! On the last of the weddings now

@emilys_waffles Yes! It’s the first time I’ve watched the Australian one. The whole “I need you to ask me to marry you” while they’re already at the altar. Absolute circus 🙄 also the one who’s clearly ashamed of having a child while claiming she’s “the best” mum 🤢

@WitchyHibsCunt I read that as “stepmum” and was so confused! 😂 thought that was some weird east Scotland folklore thing 🙈

My septum is now at my goal size and I only sneezed 20 million times🤣