Phoenix

@NasheCeezet_zw Men take things too far, man!

My brother’s wife just filed for divorce over their twins’ names. They just had twin girls. Everyone loved the names. Turns out the names weren’t suggested by him but by his work girlfriend. She was on his phone last week when a message popped up,

and for the lady, perhaps a remote job that pays in dollars, pounds or euros.

It’s either my uncle Waruthu is heavily bewitched… or the man is the luckiest dropout kikuyu in the history of Kenya. This man dropped out in Class 6. No degree. No biashara. No master plan. Just inherited land and some anointed timing. He starts in Kingeero with a plot left by his father. Then boom Western Bypass construction comes slicing through it, then KeNHA appears and tells him, “Waruthu, kindly move, but first collect your 16 million.” Now a serious man would sit down, call a fundi, maybe an architect, maybe even think of rentals, biashara, mabati ya tenants, something sensible. Not Waruthu. Waruthu buys land in Gitaru for 4 million, puts up a 3-bedroom house, then takes the rest of the money and launches a one-man campaign of alcohol, women and complete financial vandalism. The man did not spend money. He attacked it. Two years later, before the dust even settles, KeNHA returns again. This time for the Gitaru-Kikuyu interchange. I’m not joking. Same man. Same story. Same government. Another cheque. 19 million. At this point you stop calling it luck. This is now a calling. He moves to Manguo near Limuru town, buys about three-quarter acre, builds again for around 4 million, then does exactly what he had done before. Not almost. Not roughly. Exactly. House first, then the balance is taken hostage by bars, women and enjoyment until nothing remains except memories and hangovers. Any other human being would learn. Waruthu? Waruthu behaves like a man who thinks compensation is a monthly salary. Then last November Ruto launches the Rironi-Nakuru-Mau Summit Road project. Now tell me why this man’s land is again sitting next to the highway like it had been booked in advance. Again the government comes. Again they acquire. Again Waruthu is paid. This time 25 million. You people, there are men who hustle for 20 years and never smell 5 million. This fool has made a full career out of being removed by road projects. He doesn’t farm. He doesn’t build wealth. He doesn’t invest. He just keeps positioning himself where tarmac will eventually develop feelings. The last report we got was that he had moved to Ponda Mali in Nakuru. Either there’s a powerful mganga somewhere blessing his land papers… or God has a very twisted sense of humour when it comes to my uncle. The man is turning Kenyan infrastructure into his personal ATM. Respect. 😂

If you break 2 TVS in one year, you and your siblings will have to act drama everyday after 6:00 to keep me entertained

i’ve started to on occasion "accidentally" (but on purpose) not hang up my phone correctly when getting off a call with my daughter-in-law. i then proceed to talk to my husband about how much i enjoy talking to her, how lovely i think she is, how glad i am that our son chose her, and whatever other boost i may think she needs. she doesn't have any family that uplifts her, just the kind that tears her down. i started doing this after my son told me about his wife coming to him in full-on snot tears, because i had once butt dialed her while talking to my husband about her. she stayed on the line to hear what i "really" thought of her, expecting the worst because that's been her experience of family. apparently she was quite touched by the things i said, and my son told me it gave her a confidence boost that lasted weeks. so i do it more often now. neither of them have any idea i do it on purpose, though. they just think i’m getting old and worse at managing my tech.

@Lwkpetite Boobies is my go to. You're 5, 16, 30? It feels so age appropriate for everyone 😂

those who shy away from addressing the elephant in the room are doomed to carry the weight of it.

employee of the month

When your whole family questions your decisions, but your little niece says to you: “When I grow up, I want to be like you”

we had my little sister (12) for the weekend she was supposed to leave yesterday but we decided we will drop her off tomorrow after going to the movies, unfortunately today my partner woke up sick,like hospital sick And she’s crying bc she wants to go to the movies?

@tiredfeminist_ They call their hair bad hair day 😭

I rarely taste my food while cooking, I cook entirely on confidence and vibes so the finished product is always a surprise to me as much as it is to you. If you eat my food and something is wrong, please know that I am also a victim and we are in this together.

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Two sides of one cake. The front was for Mothers’ Union robing ceremony and the back was to celebrate the last yr of the 4th decade. @Maya_Legacy has talent, and will always rise to the challenge. That hat was her challenge and she nailed it. Ever a patriot, we are 5yrs in this.

"Imagine your sister" No.... Develop empathy without imagining her to be your sister or mom.... Develop basic humanity.....

@aedison Am I being gaslit

@itsSh0la @YoungDmesh She was just happy for no reason

I didn’t catch her in some dramatic way… it was way dumber than that. She left her Spotify logged in on my laptop. One night I’m working, and a playlist pops up called “late night drives ❤️.” Cool, right? Except… we both don’t drive. And I definitely wasn’t with her that night. I click it. Every song is stuff I’ve never heard her play around me. Then I notice the queue updating in real time… like someone’s actively listening with her. So I text her, joking like “who you cruising with?” 
She replies, “just home, about to sleep.” Meanwhile the playlist is still updating. So I called her. Phone rings once… twice… then declines. A few seconds later the music stops. She then sends a message saying she is sharing a room with her aunt who is visiting from the village. Yeah… that told me everything I needed to know. Never thought I’d get cheated on via Spotify, but here we are.

In 2009, I started dating a good friend of mine. We were both scared of ruining our friendship, so promised each other to keep it casual. We would whisper "this is still casual" at each milestone. Meeting parents? Casual. Moving in together? Casual. Moving to a second apartment? Super Casual. Marriage? The most casual. In a few weeks we will celebrate our 8th wedding anniversary, which, of course, is extremely casual. The chillest.

Cute until you get rushed to a hospital