J🐲C

I'm no different than anyone else. Every morning, I wake up and do whatever I hear my Rice Krispies telling me to do.

I'm gonna be the ghost of Matthew Perry this Halloween.

When's Kendall Jenner heading over to give Isreal and Palestine a Pepsi?

Being an adult means people stop caring what your favorite dinosaur is.

I thought I'd have left at least one man at the altar by this point

Two truths and a lie? Oh. You mean a regular conversation

i can only climax to Rorschach inkblots

*the very first rodeo* What the fuck do we do?

Pumpkin King!! 🎃

A moth is just a butterfly that's tired of your shit

Drink water, just enough to keep your gills moist

No matter what I do, I know that I will never be as interesting as an owl.

It's not the algorithm, it's who you follow. Good talk.

Why are you a Holocaust denier when WWI has significantly less documented footage?

Therapist: there’s nothing wrong with you you’re just a bad person

Can't. Typing a password into a tv.

Mind your penises and queefs.

Don't stress too much about life, you're not getting out of it alive anyway.

Porn makes guys assume that all females shave their pubic hair; it also makes women think all guys have really, really big houses.

No matter how bad things get. You could always be the guy that thinks his employer cares about him.

I hope my first child is a dragon.