Max

@penguins Hail Murray! 🐧🏆 #LetsGoPens #PPGPensProud

Ironically, Macaulay Culkin now looks a lot like someone who would break into a house.

*drives down the street in a Smart Car holding my Galaxy Note to the roof like a mattress*

Makin' my way downtown, yoga pants, pumpkin spice and I'm homebound.

I don't know if #Chicago invented homeless dudes urinating in public, but they damn sure perfected it.

Just ate so much yogurt I'm going into culture shock.

My stir fry addiction finally reached wok bottom.

"high-fiber" = "hope you like trees because this is going to taste like a tree."

Dom Perignoung Jeezy #RapperWines

#mydumbsuperstition Whenever I see a clown I punch it in the face because, you know, just to be safe...

Rappers shouldn't have to file taxes because they itemize everything they own in songs.

The instant the conversation got political I was like "cool opinions, bro." Then I stood up, opened the door, and jumped out of that 747.

Yesterday I saw a magician take 12 cents worth of ripped denim and charge my girlfriend $149 for it.