The Oil Check

@fesshole Yeah. That’s not a healthy relationship. 😆

Since childhood I've always loved Marmite on crumpets. Other Half thinks its disgusting and has banned me from eating it. Doesn't know about my secret stash and toaster in the garden shed. Brush and floss after eating them to hide the smell.

@fesshole I want in

Me & my brothers have a WhatsApp group. We only ever quote Sopranos lines on it. No idea how their families are & I don't really care. This is much better.

@fesshole Only just noticed after many years and 3 kids. Maybe pay more attention

We are a family of five, including 3 young boys. Nobody warned me that my husband would be the biggest child. He's the messiest, makes the most washing and his emotional needs are endless. I didn't sign up for this.

@NickyAACampbell A caution isn’t a criminal record.

Some news. At the time of the Huw Edwards story many malicious communications were made on Twitter/X. Thanks to amazing people on here, we eventually traced this guy. He got a police caution and now a record. They can run…

@RishiSunak You reek of desperation. If they tax you and your wife of 50% of the money you have stolen whilst in power it would keep the NHS going for a year. #ToryScum

You name it, Labour will tax it.

@fesshole 🤮

I always take a cup of tea with me when I go to bed. Sometimes I forget about it or fall asleep. I'll drink it cold in the morning though, don't like things going to waste.

@anon_opin It’s almost like entertainers who sell tickets for their shows want to sell the highest possible number of tickets to make more money.

It's a 100% ego trip of an act for a comedian to play a huge arena venue. Half the audience are so far away that you may as well be screening your act in a cinema. Don't 'play Wembley', play all the theatres from Ipswich to Reading so your fans can actually see you.

@fesshole Justified. Sack the dirty bastard.

My husband is disgusting. He has stopped brushing his teeth the last 3ish years and it makes me sick. Not only does it put me off kissing him it is a complete turn off and I have considered leaving him.

@fesshole Wife is wanking with it. No surprise boring spreadsheet husband isn’t getting her off.

I keep a spreadsheet of when the electric toothbrush is charged and there is no pattern or regularity. Which means someone in the family isn't brushing their teeth consistently and I'll probably be the one who has to pay for their fillings soon.

@fesshole Translation. My boyfriend is very rich so I let him cheat on me for money.

My partner cheated on me but I forgave him. As punishment, I had some of the links removed and binned from his favourite Rolex so I could wear it every day as a reminder of what he did.

My #WHUFC summer window 👇🏻 In: Leif Davis 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 £3m Olise 🇫🇷 £20m Bruno G 🇧🇷 £32m Rashford 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 £25m Botman 🇳🇱 £18m Gibbs-White 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 £15m Solanke 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 £20m Out: Paqueta 🇧🇷 £85m Zouma 🇫🇷 £30m Cresswell 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 £10m Coufal 🇨🇿 £16m NET: +£8m #CPFC #NFFC #NUFC #MUFC #NUFC #Cherries #ITFC

@peterwalker99 @theJeremyVine Bike nonce

New BBC2 Scandi police drama has just dropped. Looks a bit niche.

NEW - German TV channel RTL shows an Australian woman playing a flute with her vagina.

@bisping Mother fucker would be spitting teeth if I saw him.

Guy needs his ass kicked and taught a bit of respect.

Can confidently say my account has been hacked there. Apologies and a swift change of password. Apologies to all.

@fesshole Yeah. I bet a farmer is unable to realise how plants are growing. You’ve got him stumped there. Next he will wonder how his sheep keep having lambs.

Neighbour is an arsehole farmer who hates anything eco. When I take the footpaths over his land I drop acorns, cherry stones and hazelnuts, and poke willow whips along his barbed-wire fences. Takes a moment and he must be fucking baffled by the hedges popping up all over his farm

@fesshole Still living rent free in your head. Sad case.

I am absolutely delighted that my ex is aging badly. He looks like a boiled egg held up with two chopsticks and I'm here for it.

Our very own Andy Sledge refereeing. Finally made it. 😆😆😆😆

On this day in 1996! 😍