TBraz

When I realized this, it rearranged something inside me: Every time you try to save, help or fix others, you're essentially asking them to hold your fear.

Some context: my friend raved about this book a couple of years ago but I just skimmed it since I've never identified as codependent and a lot of the stories in the book are about the spouses of alcoholics, which isn't personally relevant. But I read it again recently and realized that the book is actually about letting go of the need for control. Many of us try to help our friends and family, without realizing that the frame of "they need my care/support" is actually a form of establishing control. We believe that people need us, that they'll go down the wrong path without us and make the wrong choices in work/relationships/life, but what happens is that while you're trying to control the other person through supporting them you become controlled by their behavior. If you've ever had the experience of being extremely frustrated at a friend, partner or family member because they asked for your advice and you gave it, only for them to ignore it, this book is relevant to you. (From what I can tell, that's a pretty universal experience.) In it, Melody Beattie writes, "The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs." Despite our best efforts, we have extremely limited ability to influence other people's choices. People are free to neglect their bodies, engage in destructive behavior, get in or stay in toxic relationships, abuse substances, etc. This might feel unbearable if you love them, but if you get overly attached to the idea that *they need you in order to stop,* you've trapped yourself in a situation where you have no real leverage. As in: no matter what you try, how hard you try, how pragmatic, useful, wise, supportive you are, *it's not ultimately your life.* Most of us are better served by, well, actually living our lives, instead of trying to solve someone else's. Through extreme effort we may able to be able to temporarily modify someone's behavior, but the change will not last because real change only comes when someone grapples with the consequences of their situation and makes the decision to live differently. You cannot force someone to have a revelation, not matter how badly you might want to. Though people might tell us they want or need our advice or support, this generally just gets us trapped in the drama triangle. There is a difference between *actually helping someone*, and *assuming the role of the rescuer because we believe it's what's required of us." Caretaking is often just a form of enabling. Another great quote from the book: "At the time we rescue or caretake, we may experience one or more of the following feelings: discomfort and awkwardness about the other person’s dilemma; urgency to do something; pity; guilt; saintliness; anxiety; extreme responsibility for that person or problem; fear; a sense of being forced or compelled to do something; mild or severe reluctance to do anything; more competency than the person we are “helping”; or occasional resentment at being put in this position. We also think the person we are taking care of is helpless and unable to do what we are doing for them. We feel needed temporarily. I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helping—situations where our assistance is legitimately wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance. These acts are the good stuff of life. Rescuing and caretaking aren’t." The tl;dr of it all is that in order to actually change, people generally need to reckon with their sense of autonomy and responsibility. When we shield people from consequences, they never learn how to make better choices.

This weekend is your chance to watch David Fincher’s The Game. 2026 is turning into a juggernaut for Cinema- so much is happening. But don’t lose sight of the fact we’re getting a new David Fincher film this year. So, act accordingly: see this film if you haven’t yet. It’s great.

83 POINTS FOR BAM ADEBAYO. THE SECOND-MOST EVER. Wilt: 100 Bam: 83 Kobe: 81

I hired a *really* good coach recently. Today she was explaining to me that some of the unhappiest clients she see are clients who are unsatisfied with their lives but rationalizing it away (i.e. convincing themselves they 'must not actually want' whatever it is they don't have), And then some of the happier clients she sees are people who *also don't have what they want,* but who can openly admit what they want out of life & are leaving space open for it to come along or not. Essentially: it is the *connection to* our desires that does the heavy lifting in keeping us feeling whole & regulated - not just the fulfilment of them. I have no idea if this is a 'duh' thing to everyone else but it feels like one of the biggest perspective shifts I've had in years.