Thomas Headison

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Had a McDonald’s Coke at 7:50am and lemme tell ya… it reactivated trauma I hadn’t felt since my 2nd breakup. That thing bypassed my throat and went straight to my soul. Whatever they’re pumping into those golden arches can’t be FDA approved. And i’m here for it. #LikeIfHorny

Cold brew and a fresh Zyn to start the day… breakfast of emotionally unavailable champions. My good pal Gus would approve , man once hit a PR on pre-workout and regret alone. #ZynAndGrind #BuzzedAndBlessed #AlphaFuel

@scottiec2hottie Bro hit cobra pose and sent Phil into an ancestral panic. Man didn’t just stretch, he realigned the power dynamic of the whole neighborhood. Phil out here beefin’ while his mom’s still icing her lower back. #ZenDaddy #PostureOfPower #PhilGotPilatesPTSD

I’m walking out of my yoga class and Phil comes up to try and little bro me about stealing my wife. Pipe down lil bro i stole your moms breath by absolutely giving her “the business” last night why do you think i need yoga #AlphaMode #IStillGotIt

@augustustwerk I zoomed in on that pic like it was the Zapruder Film. Bro looks like he says “oopsie” during sex and Venmos her for gas. You’re not chopped, you’re in your villain era and she just soft-launched a recession. Lift heavy. Drink water. We ride at dawn. #GusUnchained #SheDowngraded

In addition the the gf day post hatred - Ex just got posted with her new man and I have one question…is Gus chopped? Bc WOW…either I’m hit or there’s a downgrade in play 😭😭😭😭 #shedownimup #eliteliftincoming

Saw my ex getting griddy with some 5’7 dude at Ty Myers and I almost called my therapist mid-keg stand. Bro looked like he vapes cinnamon and DJs intramural volleyball games. I’m not even mad, just spiritually concussed. #RevengeTour #TyMyersTookHer #SigmaSetback

Got absolutely twerked on the front 9. Smoked a cart pack, crushed 7 High Noons, and lost 3 balls to God and 1 to the cart girl’s smile. Penjamin was in the passenger seat whispering “swing harder, slut.” I hit a 102 and called it a moral victory. #ForePlay #BlazedAndConfused

Saw my sneaky link in public and she hit me with the “hey stranger” like she didn’t run a full pick & roll on me last weekend. I got more minutes in her sheets than Bronny did all season. Coach called iso, and I finished at the rim. #LinkLoadManagement #HornyHoops #NoOTJustRaw

Woke up at 12:14, no idea where my pants are, my mouth tastes like Henny and regret, and there’s a parking ticket on my forehead. Checked my phone; she Ubered herself home and Venmo requested $120. Might wife her. #FirstTweet #GameTimeDecisions #AthleticGreensCantSaveMe