Tori 🦇🔪☠️

(Interrupting my wife’s zoom meeting) Hey babe I noticed you didn’t cut my blueberries in half when u made my snack earlier? I guess you want me to choke and die? (Noticing myself reflected in her webcam next to her coworkers) nightmare blunt rotation lmao

pure. wholesome. the funny little man sees that the other freak is moving, sees it might be alive. conscious. and examines him respectfully. no harm, no foul. precious animal. respectful animal. no reason to turn him into stew. will look into this

Recently rewatched Mad men and this time around it struck me that Don is not the hero (girlfriend leaves room) if Don Draper was a fire truck he would be the biggest one in the world

Man who just bit me and feels no remorse

Neighbors started having their entire roof redone at 6:30am on a Saturday 🤩

@RockafellaFonz_ I’M sorry

@frank_logged_on You have to

Feeling rabid on this Tuesday morning

Hello down there

Me pretending to laugh at your joke during the vampire party

@DanIsScum >:/

@tormander20 He’s just like me

Guy who just peed in his own water bowl

Me: that guy I met at the party was pretty cool, maybe we can shoot some hoops sometime That guy: *writing a letter to a former lover that years later will be included in a best selling curation of his correspondence* tonight I met a man without substance

Just a few more hours of scrolling and then I will finally Know

A love story in 3 parts