𝔸𝕎☟

My dad plugged in a landline for my house and now we’re drunk prank calling people.. it’s Wednesday my dudes

texting people back is hard as fuck I really do think ur cool I just can’t right now man

0 labubus owned, 0 episodes of Love Island watched, 0 dubai chocolate products ingested

If u saw me crying in Walmart today while Party in the USA was blasting… no u didn’t

romo (relief of missing out)

Just asked the same kid “What would you like for Christmas?” And her response was “A new butt because mine has a crack in it” 🙂

Real conversation with my 3 y.o niece Cora: “what’s your name?” Me: Alicia Cora: *points at her nose* what’s this? Me: Nose Cora: *is holding nothing* what’s in my hands? Me: Nothing Cora: “EXACTLY. Alicia knows nothing!” … 😒 y’all I am not ready for the toddler years

the nightman cometh

@M_DeMarco Where do u stand with this now? We must know

Might fuck around and be Haggar for Halloween.

@M_DeMarco a real one for this

Asked the 700 year old woman on my street if she wanted me to say anything to Harper since I'll be at the game tomorrow. She said "tell him to take off all his clothes."

A will? I don't even have a way

Did u know a storm just wiped entire north carolina towns off the map and completely isolated Asheville, which has gone dark due to no Internet/water/power/ways to leave the city. Barely seen any news about it. Am I tripping cuz this seems like it should be bigger news

7 years ago, we bought a plot of land on the US-Mexico border to stop racist billionaire Donald Trump’s dumb wall. But this year, an even richer, more racist billionaire—@ElonMusk—fucked that land with tractors and garbage, so we’re suing for $15 million. ElonOwesYou100Dollars.com

My dad is telling the story about how when he was in 9th grade his German exchange student ran away and this is perfect 😂😂

Put it on a big sandwich

Got a really good onion today

It's Brittany Spears, bitch

I don’t talk much cause y’all don’t listen

We went to a baptism yesterday and when they lit the candles Lucy started singing “happy birthday” 😂😂

Tell me ur competitive without telling me ur competitive - I’ll go first. I threw my arm out last night playing air hockey 🫠

normalize not wanting to be around certain people anymore because of the way they make you feel

It’s always bottomless laundry, never bottomless mimosas 🫠

it looks like another lovely spring day to REMIND YOU DELINQUENTS TO STOP "RESCUING" BABY ANIMALS. THEIR MOMS ARE MOST LIKELY NEARBY SO JUST MIND YOUR BUSINESS. FAWNS, DROP EM'. BIRDS, LEAVE EM'. RACCOONS, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. ARMADILLO?¿? ARMADILL-NO.