dust pilk

@PetSmart we do not want 5 marketing emails from you a day you stupid dumb ass motherfuckers!!!!

I think @CelsiusOfficial is playing psychological warfare with us. Obviously the only flavor people want is grape, but instead they give us 20 of the weirdest bootleg flavor combos that you literally have to settle for. I promise, we don’t want Cosmic Banana Cucumber Vibes!!!

Did @sony buy @drafthouse just to kill it?

My take away? Quentin Tarantino is Q

There should be a Tina Turner anime

I feel like city bus drivers would be good astronauts

Snickers hit different when you buy they from a FedEx copy shop

One polyhedron Machu Picchu Macarena 💃

If I ever saw Bono and The Edge fist fighting I’d be like “Hey break it up u2”

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? I dunno, maybe try San Diego?? 🤦‍♂️

@NEPHEWRXK I would eat this entire plate in 2 minutes

Welp ! She said dinner is ready

Taking Vyvanse makes me feel like when ET is all dry

Laundromat is short for Laundry Matthew

I just bought a trash can and the first thing I threw away was the receipt and I felt like I was living in a Mitch Hedberg joke

Sometimes a cute baby waves at me and I think I could be a good dad. But when I hear one screaming at the laundromat I think I’d probably tell my kid to shut the fuck up a lot

People that root for a sports team from a town that they’re not from are embarrassing af Like saying “go birds!🦅” and you live in Texas 🥴

I was just like “damn this oat milk tastes like shit” and it’s because I accidentally bought almond milk

@palmsweat 80s w/ the guitarmonies. The occasional Wind of Change ballad also permissible

@upclosepersonal Like psychedelic 70s Scorpions or air show 80s scorpions?

I wish there was a new band that sounded like Scorpions

Yamamagotchi