Jack Thomas

I call it self care 🍸

I love that straight men think that every terrible pic is a thirst trap, so when they’re dating someone they post nothing. I strive for that confidence

You buy from dealers. I create deep intimate relationships with them. We’re not the same

*get in uber* Me - “how’s it going?” Him - * taps no English sign* Me - “perfect” Him - “I know right?” …. Can’t fault your game sir

Potentially

If the punishment for driving under the influence was the death penalty we’d solve the issue in 18months

Cancer multidisciplinary meeting: Rectal primary, with 3 liver lesions. Me: 3 in the pink 1 in the stink am I right? :… crickets. Art is dead.

@GrosmicHorror Nah, I’m the HORNY one… where you at?

@wizard_panties Assuming you're Grumpy in this fantasy?

@GrosmicHorror The shark tank team already rejected you Josh, you’re not getting a start up to “research this more”

One for the ladies: instead of getting your period, would it be preferable to lay an egg like a chicken?

Being a bottom presenting top is a daily struggle.

Me (loudly) at the bike shop spotting the only bike I have a mild interest in buying “ITS A LITTLE FRUITY”

@simonahac @purplepingers @Fact_Oracle Wait until your hear about homelessness. Alfresco grande

@purplepingers @Fact_Oracle alfresco room?

“Sunny room” - my brother in Christ that is a balcony.

@purplepingers Do I get to keep the loose poles under the bed?

Average convo at *Redacted* hospital “Oh, are you English?” “No, just a bit of the gay lisp” “Gaelic?!?! I wouldn’t have guessed that” “Neither”

To clear up the rumours - Crash bandicoot wasn’t the first animated character I had a sex dream with, he was the first one to TOP me 🙄

The doobie decimal system - where I get high and say all the numbers I can think of

Getting my ID transferred to NT: Attendant: date of birth? Me: 26/11/1991 Them: is that the day or month first? …. Take a wild guess

“Invitation to attend Ash Wednesday service today” FUCK another shrove Tuesday with no pancakes

“- and card type?” “Errrrm, plastic?” “Oh no I meant visa, Mastercard, etc”

Keep saying cotton buds don’t work on ya ears; I haven’t used them for a week and the gunk is sinister right now

The cigarette emoji should be in the food section, not the weapons section, of the keyboard