Philip Clarke

As a teacher, I knocked myself out headbutting ceiling pretending to be a particle, star-jumping off a desk. I've set my arm on fire when lit ethanol trickled down sleeve, from my hand. I've burnt my ear listening if gas was coming out of a bunsen. Please don't give me a gun.

Waiting for the Daily Mail to make a link between Green Party Membership and European gas prices. @ZackPolanski

@BBCDerby It's in its prime.

Fox stuck in Amazon van engine 'doing really well' bbc.in/3JTIq0N

@tombennett71 @Zu_Demir I can't imagine Ned being that problematic in class.

In Brussels this morning speaking at the launch of the new school behaviour strategy for Flanders with minister @Zu_Demir

@pipterino And 64 years since he lost two fingers to an otter.

Thirteen years since big Tez Nutkins left us

@pipterino My man got on 'I can't fool myself, I don't want nobody else to ever love me You are my shining star, my guiding light, my love fantasy'

Which of you international playboys wants a pair of these elegant diamante loafers?

@pipterino It does sound like a serial killer building a perfect woman out of different body parts in his cellar. A little bit of Monica etc

just read that Stephen King’s wife threatened to divorce him because he was listening to Lou Bega’s Mambo No. 5 too much

Hey, @grok, who was the most famous person to visit my profile? It doesn't need to be a mutual, don't tag them, just say who it was.

@Gwenelope I showed a student one of these recently and he said 'Cool, why have you 3d-printed the save icon? '

Dissertation No. 1 was saved and stored on these bad boys….

@frolix22 Drinking Irn Bru with a silly grin.

Corbyn Derangement Syndrome 2015 - 2019, a thread. First: the spy.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Fiat Currency: an explainer for Rachel Reeves Government with fiat currency can create new money to fund the public services and investments. This is done through central banks which issue new currency to finance government spending. 1/x

@HYWEL_ROBERTS You're gonna need a bigger botox.

It’s a JAWS facemask that will make my skin soft.

If you're teaching A-Level Chemistry rates and talking about making a hotel breakfast, this is the rare-determining step.

For those people that get triggered by apostrophes in kids' menu or parents' evening in the wrong place, this one might send you over the edge.

In Italy and the £3.55 Too Good to Go was quite generous.

Andy Murray should be honoured for his services by displacing Ruby as cockney rhyming slang for going for an Indian meal.

The top 20

60 to 21

The New York Times just compiled a list of the top 100 books of the 21st Century. I've only read 15. Must stop reading books solely about Paul McCartney.

That entire #OpeningCeremony was staged as elaborate cover to get the two British Airmen from Allo! Allo! out of Paris.