Derek “Fugazi” Jeter

In another life I’d be having sex right now instead of jerking off

I haven’t gotten a response for weeks #airball

Brother are we serious

Seeing my 7 eleven guy always makes my night. He started small talk today which was so sick

I hate my dad, I got no hoes, and I’m walking home alone hammered. It’s time to FaceTime the girl from spring break

@BudFosterBurner Please hmu

@DerekNotJeter Got an NHL lock tmr

Pops gave me a hundred bucks in cash before he left the bar. It’s fuck him and I’m gonna go to the ATM and put it all on a three legger

@acouplabeers this was about them

Two gay guys and a random ass mothafucka. I’ve never felt more out of place in my life

The only thing I learned today is that if I don’t kms tn then I probably won’t do it at all

@acouplabeers I somehow got caught up with them last night. Scrambled and had to get away as fast as possible

@DerekNotJeter Esp with the amount of phags I heard were there

Didn’t go to my own formals due to the lack of having a date. Group chat ignored me when asking to go out. Drove to the bar alone. Miller lite pitcher and chicken tenders. #lank

Kicking my feet and smiling sitting by myself at sharks while reading tweets

@acouplabeers You know what, I can’t disagree with that

@DerekNotJeter Sharkey’s alone literally sounds like the plot of a horror film

@acouplabeers So am I

@DerekNotJeter It’s okay I’m currently fingering my beer

Yeah I bet you like that

@acouplabeers I get horny and can’t help myself sometimes

@DerekNotJeter Of course the first thing on my feed when I open the app in public is porn smh #beerporn

Making my bed in case I bring a lady back tn for the 46th time this year. I’m 0-45

@acouplabeers I can’t disagree with that

@DerekNotJeter Yea but $12 miller pitcher is fire

57 years old and this is how we pour beers. What the hell are we doing

@acouplabeers I’m boycotting champs for banquets going from $2 to $3

@DerekNotJeter Don’t worry I’ll be doing that, just at champs probably

@acouplabeers Not a bad play. I try to drink as much as possible and forget about my existence

@DerekNotJeter I’m going on strike against sharks it’s been full of queers lately and it’s pmo