Eli Terry

my stupid fucking kids forced me to go to this all inclusive beach resort. Now aiden is bringing me a mai tai what the fuck

sources are saying it's spelled "stephen" but we have our lawyers and a guy with a big bucket of spackle at the ready

votes still rolling in on this one, but i think we can call it

@frenchielaboozi dang, will check again in 30 seconds

2014: rob delaney followed me. hell yeah, im gonna make it big. 2020: I use this website to find out when the president is dead

hm, typo in my first tweet in over a year. have not missed showing my whole ass on here

i hope stephen miller recovers and get back to stealing children's breath as they slumber

@AaronBurdette @megangailey Hell yeah! Congrats (on the impending murder)!

I’m excited to write this with @megangailey and also to someday take a photo where I don’t look like I’m about to kill her

@ariscott this is awesome, ari. congratulations!

There are so many things I have failed at and so many things I haven’t accomplished that I thought I would by now. But I got this email today and it made me feel good. I’m excited about this. And proud of myself. This has been a Sincere Tweet ™. 🏃‍♀️ #BostonMarathon

@GBBQ taking me a little longer to polish the gems these days

@EliTerry Eli’s monthly tweet party 🎉

sarah huckabee sanders is your problem now, assistant managers at dress barns

@RoderickA1 she'll find them, somehow

we couldn’t NOT find crimes. We would reverse uncharge him if we didn’t not want to! Heehee im mueller and youll find the opposite answers in me riddles!

@HelloCullen It’s going be about how Danys burning of Kings Landing was justified! DANA, CALM DOWN! JADYN CAN BE STUCK IN THAT WELL FOR ANOTHER HOUR HE’LL BE FINE

peasant one: did you hear? bran is our king now! peasant two: so cool! Hey can you help me scoop the charred corpse of my kid into this wheelbarrow

boss: you’re fired for drinking heineken at work me: actually, it’s non alcoholic heineken boss: ok now you’re fired and going to psychopath prison

@BassoonJokes @nickciarelli that scene is actually from the books

@nickciarelli at the time I hoped this was intentional and we'd get a new subplot including NBA legend Gary Payton

Game of Thrones goofs season 6 episode 4: "the big castle" - When Grunson shoots his bow and arrow at the troll, you can see in the background of the shot NBA legend Gary Payton staring directly down the barrel of the camera

@brandonSJ @SamanthaaaReece @chrtucci haha oh man can’t believe that was 25 years ago. Miss that angel voice

Best TV theme song with lyrics? Go off

haha look how happy it makes him to tell a kid santa isn’t real. pure delight

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