Kate Fleming

@mattforde @The_Lowry @nottslive @CityVarieties @LancasterGrand @GalaDurham @LivEveryPlay @BuxtonOpHouse @ChorleyTheatre @RoyalNottingham @NTRLincoln Loved the show so much this evening that I’m considering sacking off another paid show to see you do your trump voice at Sadiq Kahn.

MY BRAND NEW TOUR IS ON SALE NOW! It’s my biggest ever tour, 51 dates across the UK. Featuring Donald Trump, Angela Rayner, Lee Anderson, Keir Starmer and Oasis What more do you want? Ok, there’s some (soft) dick jokes too. Tickets: mattforde.com

My Election Day Monologue on @TimesRadio. In praise of British democracy. It’s election day in the United Kingdom, a seminal event we too often take for granted. We also do it in a very British way.  There will be no armed guards at the polling stations. No intimidating mobs. Just paper and pencil, trusted tellers and friendly canvassers.  If the British people decide it’s time to change governments, that will happen quickly and without fuss. The military will not be mobilised. Barbed wire will not be arranged around public buildings. Defeated candidates will not be fleeing the country. Riot police will not be assembling on side streets.  But a removal van — something we’ve all had to use at some stage in our lives — will turn up sometime Friday morning to help the incumbent move out. Another will bring the belongings of the new prime minister and family.  A few words from the winner outside 10 Downing Street, a round of applause as he goes through the famous door — and the business of government continues as before. Even with a new broom there will be a sense of continuity. And calm.  Nobody will contest the overall integrity of the result, whatever minor challenges there are at the margins. The loser will concede defeat and wish the winner well. The winner will try to be magnanimous.  Nobody will be exiled. There will be no talk of being cheated, of a rigged election, or lawyers getting rich on endless court challenges. No mob will descend on the Palace of Westminster determined to overthrow the result. The pigeons will continue to peck away, undisturbed, on Parliament Square.  However people voted the result will be accepted. Folks will just get on with their lives and wait to see what the next government has in store for them.  Such a peaceful, uneventful, very British passage of power is to be treasured. It is perhaps THE distinguishing hallmark of democracy that power is passed in this way, without upheaval or protest, at the behest of the people.  Democracy requires a winner to be gracious and a loser to accept that they’ve lost, without quibble. That is the British way. It is not now true of that great democracy across the Atlantic.  It is also the case, if today heralds a change, that a centre right government will give way to a centre left one. Whatever the result the numbers in Parliament who might be deemed hard right or hard left will be de minimis. Pretty much irrelevant.  There is something quite British about that too. It will not be the case when that great democracy across the Channel votes on Sunday, where the extremes on both sides of the political divide are likely to make up almost two thirds of the National Assembly.  We broadcasters don’t do British party politics on election day. That can wait until you’ve voted and we know the result sometime after 10 o clock tonight.  So we will spend the next hour looking at elections in France and America, two countries with their own strong democratic traditions.  Also two countries, as we shall see, with democratic challenges we don’t face, whatever else may confront us.  They are our allies — fellow democrats in a world threatened by autocrats — and we must wish them well in overcoming their problems, as we tackle ours. While taking some comfort and pride from the fact that there is something quite special about our own British democracy.  So let us savour this important day.

@edfringe Hi Ed Fringe. Why are you app tickets non-exchangeable? I’ve accidentally booked a ticket for YUCK circus on the wrong day (easy to do on the app) and would really like to swap it.

People who don’t believe there is such a thing as societal decline also have to answer why every day you go to the supermarket and more and more perfectly edible and enjoyable cheese is being ruined with pointless bits of dried fruit inside it.

Great article ⁦@crwagner1000⁩ Pupils facing exams should be spared if schools are shut thetimes.co.uk/article/105374…

Older pupils must be allowed to attend school and sit exams this summer even if there is another lockdown, says the head of a leading school #Echobox=1640241909" target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener">thetimes.co.uk/article/gcses-…

@cakeonabike @RMCunliffe I have a picture one 😊.

I'm sorry but I just do not get the point of Advent calendars. Just buy yourself some chocolate (or gin!) and have one a day, ticking off the days on a regular calendar if you feel so inclined. (Can you tell this is my second year celebrating Christmas?)

@NHM_London Dear NHM,  Please help!  I have managed to delete the email with my tickets attached. Is there a way of getting them sent again? We are visiting WPOTY tomorrow at 1:45. I have a credit card receipt if you need proof of sale.  Best wishes Kate Fleming

So excellent. These teachers are FAB. 🥳🥳

Forever grateful to our amazing NHS. HIV for me is one tablet a day (zero side effects) and a blood test every 9 months. Undetectable = untransmittable HIV has changed. Tell everyone.

@RMCunliffe Congratulations! Splendid news 🥂

@RMCunliffe I am 43 and I still feel like I’m playing at adulthood. I don’t know at what point it feels real.

Anyone else feel that they’re playing at being an adult, and then suddenly realise that no you’re 30 now and you have a dehumidifier unironically and also a fun Friday night involves laundry?

@FishersSeafood Update - the pies have arrived. Very much looking forward to dinner this eve. Thank you Fishers!!

@FishersSeafood Hi Fishers, I’ve ordered two fish pies, but have not had anything to say you have received my payment. Could you let me know if all is well. We’re really looking forward to our lovely fish pies!

Smoked Haddock Fishcakes, delivered to your doorstep or ready for you to collect at our Clifton Village restaurant on Friday 🐟Natural smoked haddock (no yellow dyes here!) with mashed potato, grain mustard, spring onions, herbs, and coated in breadcrumbs buff.ly/34wOqmM

I started homeschooling this week. So far two students have been suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job.

Critical care nurse Dawn has pleaded for the public to "stop it" after being faced with empty supermarket shelves following a 48-hour shift.

“how’s self quarantine going?”

@BristolWaste Hi. I’ve tried calling the number, but I just get held in a queue and the call back option does not seem to be working. Hence why I thought I would try Twitter.

@KateF Hi Kate, please could you give the number a call? If you have communal refuse collection or a mini recycling centre the system can be slightly different for reporting/checking online. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Don't forget to tree-cycle! 🎄 #WasteNothing bristolwastecompany.co.uk/festive

@BristolWaste Thanks. I’ve tried putting my address in and I get this message. I live in a flat, but we definitely have bin collections

@KateF Hi Kate, all the information should be on here - you will need to plug in your address to the council's collection day finder. There's a link on this page: bristolwastecompany.co.uk/bins-and-recyc… Thank you