Sam “Splits” Williams

Hi Peyton! My name is Sam and I’m 100% committed to you bouncing on my weiner. #beatme

Waiting for the stall then walking in with two of your boys to do coke is gay.

Sidney Crosby is a hall of fame handjob. #sherm

Anyone mind if the Alabama fraternity consultant gets a little rowdy on a Wednesday? #ferd

Nate Oats may be the dirtiest coach in all of college hoops, but at least he wears a suit. #class

When Duke wins, Israel wins. #terrorism

Bruce Thornton the second I put U.S Currency on him:

Is girls unironically using the “😂” emoji hot?

Up late thinking about grown men who actually go to raves.

@studyofoptimal But recent studies have shown jestermaxxing is good for cortisol levels, no?

THIS JUST IN🚨: There is no such thing as “too much delta waves”. A study from researchers at UC Santa Barbara found, the more delta waves one gets the less likely they are to be a jester.

“Hey my name’s Kyle I’m from Jersey and I’m looking forward to rushing this fall”

There are still grown men that have a baby picture as their instagram profile btw.

The American Airlines pretzel is one that doesn’t get enough recognition.

Anyone mention that Jerry Sandusky fella for the Penn State opening?

Jim Nantz is the best commentator in sports and I don’t think it’s particularly close.

Thanksgiving is a better holiday than Halloween to see pictures of beautiful women.

And for my final act I’ll bring up Ted Cruz’s AIPAC fund at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Always a great time of year when we’ve almost unlocked the next Breaking Bread missal.

Weren’t many things better than one of these guys after a pee-wee basketball game.

Yes I love when you stand up immediately 15 rows back when the plane lands. It makes things easier for everyone.

If you don’t have TSA pre-check you’re a freak.