cory

do you guys think i will ever find a gf? for context im 26M with no job and im 2’3 and i cant shower because the faucet is too high and i cant reach it

elon musk: can i please have some drugs pleaaaaasseee pleaaasee pretty please drug dealer: no elon musk: ok. drugs are illegal. i am calling the cops on you

my landlord doesn’t understand basic human necessities. like bro i NEED more tattoos i do not NEED to pay my rent. dumbass

@FrazzleMyGimp you can just walk on one and check it out see how u feel i’m pretty sure

@coolmathgame_ Idk yet

[to the guy next to me at the airport] you getting on one of those planes or just hanging out here

me: bro wouldn’t last a second in a 2009 cod lobby 😂😂😂 1000 bc village child that was recently found alive frozen in ice: [plunges his hand directly through my chest and into my heart, crushing it instantly]

interviewer: so we went over your background check and saw that in 2023 you were brutally frame mogged at a frat party. care to explain? me: [under breath] fuck

cory

just turned 28. where do i go to get put down or do they just find me

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] can you turn it down

asking the person next to me at the movie theatre if they can pause it so i can use the bathroom

[first day back from suspension without pay] me: i will never take a bribe again police chief: good [later] me walking out of the interrogation room with a pack of skittles: i think we should let him go

[texting my boss] wish we had work tomorrow… :/ [texting my crush] merry christmas eve haha :) lol. what’s up haha [texting the grinch] fuck you bro straight up i do not like you bro [texting my crush again] im fuckin goofed off this eggnog rn lol. wyd haha lol

people in small towns be like i wonder if the gas station is poppin tn

what if jesus comes back but just for like a sandwich and then he leaves again

people will be like “i hate my job” but still hang out at work 40-60 hours a week. like yeah ok… why are you there all the time then

me after using my time machine to bring benjamin franklin to the mall: so how would you handle the political fragmentation in america right now benjamin franklin holding a churro and seeing a bbl for the first time in his life: yeah me: benjamin are you listening

i’m in the top .01% of listeners to my beautiful wife

[seeing my dentist at the grocery store] me: hey how’s it going him: teeth me: ok

Faye Webster truthers rise up

@blondehotcoffee hell yeah

@coolmathgame_ dialga

comment and i’ll tell you what pokemon you remind me of