sweaty five dollars

My Halloween costume this year is Shrek (personality only)

The two online personality types 1) I’m literally crying because I saw a picture of Shrek where he looked lonely 2) I’m unloading my AK47 at the sun because I remembered vegans exist

[house tour] This is my haunted doll room where I keep all my haunted dolls. As you can see, it’s empty because I’m a big goof who forgot to lock the door

@tafkae I only have four slices of stale bread and one Kraft single, so yes

@iscoff Are you relaunching Fire Fest

Not coming out of my burning house because the firefighter isn’t aesthetic

Hungry? Try a handful of almonds! You’re still hungry but you don’t have to hold the almonds anymore

Little old lady in a movie 10 years ago: Penis, fuck, and shit also Audience: This is the best comedy will ever get. It’s done. It’s over

I’m sorry, I can’t tell you what kind of pan pizza this is

They say walking is good for you but I walked into the tortoise enclosure at the zoo and was mauled immediately

Got out of prison for eating too much ice cream. I didn’t steal it or anything, the entire judicial system just agreed it was way too much ice cream

Bloody man with fire axe crashing through window of diner: DO YOU READ SUTTER CANE? Me: You got glass in my eggs. You owe me a new big breakfast sir

@tafkae I’m immune to this word but have weaponized it in the past

@iscoff "moist"

Please don’t use my own words against me. Use your own lower quality words which hurt me much less

@PeteHustwayte The second one from the left

@iscoff Which one are you again?

I’m not dead, I just hate websites

@CommanderZenn I think I’m about as well as these times will allow! And ty, you too! 😀

@gooded_cheese I’ve been on this web zone for 14 years

Photography tip: camera angles are important! Try angling the camera so you’re not in front of it

Uh actually I’m legally allowed to use your trampoline because I’m a hobo

@tafkae Nice try but I’m not falling for this question a sixth time

@iscoff what's your greatest weakness?

My greatest strength? My attention to debail