Mark Summers

Once you see Cookie Monster, you can’t unsee it.

Was supposed to meet my mate tonight but he's cancelled because his wife just gave birth to their first child. He's known that baby half a day and he's known me 30 years. Fuming.

@bobsburner__ @anon_opin Greedy, parasitic, capitalist, loony right simpletons are everywhere too it seems. 🙄🙄🙄🤡

@anon_opin commie 12 year olds exclusively on this account now, depressing

It's impossible for a decent person to become a billionaire. Anyone who isn't a total sociopath would just stop and do something worthwhile instead a long time before they accumulated that kind of wealth.

@anon_opin I got addicted to the Winter Olympics. It was a slippery slope and it went downhill from there. In the end it just made me piste.

The winter Olympics are FAR superior to the summer games. Who doesn't want to watch elite athletes throw themselves down a mountain on a sled with no breaks, or Ice hockey, maybe the most insane sport ever invented. Even Curling is elite entertainment given it's basically bowls.

I asked AI to generate a pic of me resembling Alan Partridge mid-Toblerone crisis.

For when normal mini eggs are still too big.

Cool turntable t shirt oh wait...

I checked and checked the numbers but still couldn't believe it! After years and years of trying I have finally done it! 9 30 23 3 20 26. I have finally managed to get a doctors appointment!

Fun Fact: If you bang two horses together you get the sound of a coconut running or something.

Last minute Mother's Day ideas...

I thought it was "No more wars!" when it was actually "No, more wars!" Lack of punctuation costs lives.

@Ravenismeee Thanks. You're ordinary.

if someone tells you, "you're weird," what would you reply with ??

So a team will not be playing in the FIFA World Cup because they are currently being bombed by the FIFA Peace Prize winner. Make it make sense. 🙄

@elonmusk So the loony right then. 🙄🙄🙄🤡

💯

Me: If you have a blood transfusion and the next day cut yourself at the scene of a crime you've committed, will the person who donated your blood be incriminated? Interviewer: I meant any questions about the job?

@talantfund @fesshole It's never been easier to communicate but never been harder to 'connect.'

@fesshole Using a celebrity’s inbox as a journal is oddly modern behavior. The internet really blurred the line between audience and connection

Dumped my girlfriend when I saw she had an ongoing one-sided DM session with Harry Styles' Instagram. She was using it like a diary.

@anon_opin Looking back, we were all laughing at a man who clearly had learning difficulties and the mental age of a child.

Not only did Frank Spencer wreck B&B rooms, other people's houses, his own house, and the nervous systems of myriad specialised professionals, but he also ruined the beret, which would otherwise be a stylish choice of men's headwear. No cunt can wear them anymore. Cheers, Frank.

Fun Fact: Spiders are the only web designers in the world that enjoy finding bugs.

@Christo12919382 Is that the same person or 4 different ones?

Why is this?