Doug Gates

Importantly, Clinton Station in Chicago was not named for DeWitt Clinton. It was named for Clinton Street, which was named for DeWitt Clinton.

What is it going to take, @PilotPenUSA? Please bring these back.

Nothing riles up the family quite like “Hey Siri, play smooth jazz.”

ATM: Still reading the ad? Me: Yeah. [pause] Me: You know I just want to... ATM: Welcome! Please insert your card to begin. (3/3)

ATM: Instead of confirmation that you've logged out of your bank account before you walk away, here's an ad for a financial product you don't need. Me: Uh, ok. I'm scanning the screen for confirmation that I've logged out. [pause] (2/3)

"Walking Away": a conversation with my ATM in three parts. ATM: Transaction complete! Can I help you with anything else? Me [pressing button]: No thanks. I'm finished. (1/3)

Every few years, I go a few weeks w/o shaving to see what I’m capable of. I’m almost 4 weeks in to my latest attempt and my 11-year-old son just callled my beard “spider hair” and that’s so spot on and demotivating that I expect to shave this off soon. “Spider hair.” Gross.

People talk to my dog and expect me to answer on his behalf, and I'm not doing it anymore, because I'm a grown-ass man with feelings and expectations for how we interact with each other. "Such big ears! What's *your* name?" "Doug."

At the photographer’s request, we had to destroy a limited-edition print because of a small crease in the paper. She sent a replacement. My son (11) oversaw the destruction of this award-winner, while my daughter (14) shot and edited the video proof. youtu.be/HVsFyJ2OqBg

@DogUmwelt The way they taught my kids to do arithmetic.

name the product for which this is the on-the-box product claim

@andyyang Dammit. My time has passed. It was a good run.

@DogUmwelt All these dogs, taking photos of their butts from weird angles. I blame TikTok.

new profile pic

@DogUmwelt From that manhunt (on my home turf!), a boop. x.com/katt_khaos/sta…

why did they take the dog into custody? he was just doing his job :/

@Halloranbella76 Local parents are notorious for this.

#DaneloCavalcante Pretty concentrated search area once again near the Pocopson Elementary School

My dental hygienist might be a sociopath. After taking the *stellar* measurements of my periodontal pockets, she could only muster “Keep up with the flossing and you should be ok. Every day.” Lady, with that many 2s and 3s, I expected a high five and a hug. Maybe balloons.

@MerriamWebster From my window, I can s th blu sky, som clouds, and som trs. And vry fw minuts, I s an airplan on its final dscnt to San Digo.

Writing Puzzle #63 A lipogram is composed of words not having a certain letter. So ... write a sentence describing the view out your window without using the letter "e".

But @smokey_bear sidestepped the question about Gary. I might have to do this without his support.

Smokey didn't ignore *this* entreaty. I mean, how could he?

Be the change you want to see in the world. It really is this simple.