FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF

Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.

Fair play to the reporter for dropping in a 'joint operation with Gardai' when describing the cannabis seizure at Marconi House @NewstalkFM Gave me a proper chuckle.

So I did a thing.... (got tangled in my neighbor’s wind chimes)

My timeline is just a collection of people you’d never put on speakerphone.

me: [first day as therapist] name something that causes you anxiety patient: being weighed me: it says here your name is frank

Rewards program? Thank you, but I consider the opportunity to dine at Burger King reward enough.

The guy about to do my vasectomy looked familiar so I asked him “don’t you work at McDonald’s?” And he said, “yeah, can’t a guy have two jobs?”

Willie Nelson is 93 and releasing his 156th album. I am considering a golf cart to go to the mailbox

[first date] *whispering to self* no whammies, no whammies, no whammies

*trying not to be awkward* Them: Nice to meet you Me: FROSTED FLAKES ARE JUST SEXY CORN FLAKES

@signalborder That's strange. My other son, Air Drum, is surprisingly quiet.

@sofarrsogud Same with my son, Air Horn.

Elon's lucky he can bring his son, Saxon, to a restaurant. I can't bring my son, Klaxon, anywhere. He's just too loud.

I don't care if people are happy to see me, I have dogs for that.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket" Well I just have the one egg

kiss me beneath the flickering lights of the 7-Eleven

Make each day count, you stupid fool. -me as a life coach

Progress is only progress if it makes things better

Leopard: Rawwwr Snow leopard: A licky boom boom down

[shaking my head a little so the microplastics floating around in my brain gently settle on my frontal lobe] bet

Everybody tells you to take a chill pill but nobody ever offers you one

My wife stormed into the bar last night as the boys and I were downing shots.... "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to our kids!"