Steve Fritsch

Myles Garrett is elite and chose to stay in Cleveland. Jose Ramirez is elite and chose to stay in Cleveland. Donovan Mitchell is elite and chose to stay in Cleveland. What an incredible time to be a Cleveland sports fan. 🔥

By now you’ve seen clips of Jack Doherty getting banned from PGA Tour events. But if you are over 45, you probably don’t know how bad it really is. Jack has made millions doing this. He walks around harassing people and hides behind a giant bodyguard. And millions watch. And envy. Imagine the dude who yelled jackass? He gave up his Waste Management ticket so he could impress a kid YouTuber for 1 second of “fame”. This slop and slop like it is consumed in the billions of hours daily. Teens are watching and seeing a kid like them become a millionaire by being a horrid person. We live in Idiocracy. And we haven’t even seen the results yet, these kids haven’t grown up. Already there is proof that IQ is dropping fast in our young people. You can see why. Kudos to the PGA Tour for handling it swiftly. Banned for life right there.

HANDICAP CHAIR: Steady, friends. Tonight we sail toward fairness… toward a nation where any two golfers can wager two dollars with mathematical dignity. GOLFER: Sir, how will we know our dignity? HANDICAP CHAIR: By a number. We shall call it a Handicap Index. The average of your best eight of the last twenty scores. GOLFER: Why eight? HANDICAP CHAIR: Because nine is chaos and seven is anarchy. GOLFER: And if I’ve posted fewer than twenty scores? HANDICAP CHAIR: Then a lookup table chooses for you. Sometimes it is two. Sometimes it is three. Never ask why. GOLFER: How is the Handicap Index calculated, sir? HANDICAP CHAIR: With a Score Differential. You take your adjusted gross, subtract the Course Rating, subtract the PCC, multiply by 113, and divide by Slope. GOLFER: Why 113? HANDICAP CHAIR: Nobody knows. GOLFER: The “PCC,” sir? HANDICAP CHAIR: The Playing Conditions Calculation. Each night, statisticians decide if your differential should be adjusted. GOLFER: Will the PCC make sense to golfers, Sir? HANDICAP CHAIR: Not a chance. GOLFER: Suppose I make a nine on a par-4, must I post the full score? HANDICAP CHAIR: No! For posting, the maximum is Net Double Bogey: Par + 2 + the strokes you receive on that hole. GOLFER: What if my partner conceded my putt in match play? HANDICAP CHAIR: You record your most likely score... what you would have nobly holed, unless it exceeds Net Double Bogey, in which case it did not happen. Mathematics insists. GOLFER: And if I only play nine holes today? HANDICAP CHAIR: Then the system shall summon your expected self to finish the back nine. Your expected self is very steady. He always shoots net par on the back. GOLFER: How do I turn my Index into the strokes I actually get on the course? HANDICAP CHAIR: The Course Handicap of course! Which is Handicap Index × (Slope/113) + (Course Rating - Par). GOLFER: …and then that’s what I play off? HANDICAP CHAIR: Perhaps. In singles stroke play, you shall receive 95%. In four-ball, 85%. In alternate shot, your souls shall be combined and 50% shall be bestowed. In greensomes, 60% of the lower + 40% of the higher. A recipe handed down by the ancients. GOLFER: Why these percentages? HANDICAP CHAIR: Because we are free men. GOLFER: And if I start slumping? HANDICAP CHAIR: Fear not. The soft cap slows any rise more than 3.0 above your Low HI. Should you plunge further, the hard cap stops the bleeding at +5.0. Your pride will go no higher. GOLFER: And if I suddenly shoot seven better than my Index? HANDICAP CHAIR: Then the Exceptional Score Reduction smites your record by 1 shot (or 2 shots if ten better). This is mercy disguised as punishment. GOLFER: How often will I actually play to my number? HANDICAP CHAIR: About one day in five. The other four you shall share excuses after the round. GOLFER: One last thing, sir. If I play from different tees than my opponent? HANDICAP CHAIR: Add the difference in par to the higher par tee and carry on. If you forget, simply argue on the 17th tee like our forefathers. GOLFER: I confess, I’m confused sir. HANDICAP CHAIR: Do not fear confusion. Embrace it. For tonight we create a world where a friend asks, “What’d you shoot?” and you reply, “I posted 87, net 74, PCC +2, CH 11, PH 10 at 95%, capped, no ESR”