Bastard out of Florida

You have all these wild dreams for your life and then one day you’re 40, standing in an elevator at work saying “Well, we made it to Wednesday!” to a stranger.

Hey, my boyfriend and I noticed you from across the bar and we were wondering if you have any Dyatlov Pass theories

Chicago Marie Illinois, ima need you to make up your mind on this weather girl

@fmlsux I’d share

I'm jealous of Meredith's djarum

Took a complimentary barre class and the instructor said my form was good and asked if I had a background in dance. This is the wine mom equivalent of “the stripper likes me,” isn’t it?

@hell_doe What a shithole

new york city. the big apple

The Midwest version of living on the edge is trying to squeeze in a shower before the tornado warnings start.

[richard scarry worm on a payphone inside a Jiffy Lube] yeah man my apple is completely fucked. some guy driving a banana sideswiped me and i crashed into another guy’s pickle

@saniyafatma1278 Xenu

This is Xena, 7 months old and was taken to the vet to get fixed this morning. Vet calls around 2pm “hey so funny story…Xena is a male cat” his testes never developed correctly and one was discovered during surgery. They called to ask permission for more extensive surgery to find the second one in the abdomen. So Xeno is now home after his “gender reassignment surgery” 🏳️‍⚧️

Dear god, 15 years on Twitter today.

Don't like watching Mulder and Scully do regular FBI stuff. That's not where I want my tax dollars going.

Succession style show about a family owned gas station in the Florida panhandle

iambic tetrameter ass stick

@hell_doe Typical

grocery store is playing one of my secret favorite beatles song. can't tell you which one it is though sorry

as a millennial woman i'm basically three seconds away from posting lyrics to 'doll parts' by hole at any given time

you let your cat read The Bell Jar one time

@lamonmanuel_ Thought of you immediately :(

💔

Me: <in the shower, attempting to savor the roughly 8 minutes I will get alone today> My daughter, barging into the bathroom: MOM! WHY is it spelled RASPberry?? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!!

@oreoeocat That snile!!

You have all these wild dreams for your life and then one day you’re 40, standing in an elevator at work saying “Well, we made it to Wednesday!” to a stranger.

Going to my little job while pedophiles run the world and masked men rampage through our streets kidnapping children because my heath insurance is tied to my job and I have to pay my bills