Richard Armstrong

@SartorialThug Just wait till you find out about your grandad and his twin brother.

Digging into my family tree again. This time with access to the newspaper archive. My great grandad's court appearances included stealing food from the railway as a 16 year old, and then as a 24 year old working whilst claiming an allowance for injuries sustained during WWI.

@calvinrobinson When Larry goes, he'll get a state funeral.

Larry the cat. Mangy, old, unkempt. Still running around Downing Street, doing his duty. He has become a symbol of our country. Glorious history, on its last legs. Still catching mice, but looking like rubbish. Only has a few years left, unless…

@thesundaysport Could failure to indicate at roundabouts also be a burning offence? Also a slight singeing for anyone who calls me buddy when they are not my buddy.

Restore the Book of Common prayer and burning at the stake for possession of a Good News Bible.

Might bid to become head of the Church of England, what with the post being vacant

@HBrubanter @MysteriosoX IIRC he had an ASBO banning him from feeling other blokes' muscles. Breached it repeatedly so kept getting nicked.

@MysteriosoX A mate of mine arrested him once in Manchester. He was arrested a lot!

I genuinely thought Purple Aki was an urban myth until he was arrested

@higgyboson @Valhalla451 @Channel4 I think that may have been done already. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illegals_…

I'm looking forward to the new 3 part @Channel4 drama series "Below the Surface" about a Labour MP who takes pleasure from stalking senior Naval Officers and instigating illicit extra-marital liaisons on nuclear submarines completely unaware that her husband is passing state secrets to China while she's bunked up with the Captain and warming her arse on the nuclear reactor just behind the bulkhead. A bit far fetched but we all need a bit of daft escapism in these troubled times. Starts next Thursday at 9pm.

@MilitaryBanter Naked bar obviously. Were any, err, burning newspapers involved.

Now that Artemis II has launched we have 10 days to get everyone on Earth a Planet of the Apes costume so we can do something hilarious when the astronauts return 😁

@SgtMajFrenchie Do you get extra pay for playing the cello, like parachutists and divers?

‘Sgt Maj, I didn’t know you played the cello.’ ‘Just pretending, Sir.’ ‘Your team might notice.’ ‘I doubt it, Sir. They’re only pretending to listen.’ ‘Why?’ ‘It’s an audio visual check for a video, Sir.’ ‘Good. Everyone knows what’s going on.’ ‘Nearly, Sir.’ #communication

@ItsGoneAwry If something goes wrong during the flight, they could be wearing those suits for days. There are, ahem, attachments that can be connected to the suit to dump, ahem, material overboard without taking the suit off. Deep sea divers have similar facilities.

Real talk: If I was launching to the moon, my stomach would be in knots with stress and nerves and I’d def need to use the bathroom. But those suits are insanely complex…how are they going to the bathroom between now and launch? Lol 😆👨‍🚀👩‍🚀

@scottiebateman If you can pick up passengers with a winch and without incurring airport landing fees, you'll have a bright future with Ryanair.

After careful consideration, and looking for a career without jet lag, I’m delighted to announce that I’ll be fulfilling my dream of becoming a SAR crewman by joining HM Coastguard. I realised that life’s too short and I’ve been suppressing my love for helicopters. No longer.

@HagwithAttitude @piers_J_morgan @tonyblackburn NASA treads very carefully. No NASA astronaut has died in space but 3 were killed on the ground (Apollo 1) and 7 in the atmosphere (Challenger explosion).

@piers_J_morgan @tonyblackburn Can't they "test" stuff down here??

I remember watching the first man on the moon landing some 50years ago which was very exciting as this new mission is. Can anyone tell me why it is that they are not actually going to land on the moon but circle round it. It’s not a criticism I’m just interested to know why they are not actually going to land on the moon.

@TheGrocklez @piers_J_morgan @tonyblackburn It's worse than you think. No pocket calculators in those days so every Apollo mission carried a slide rule.

@piers_J_morgan @tonyblackburn How did we manage to land on the moon with the technology of a basic Casio calculator and we’ve not been able to since and “lost the blue prints” something doesn’t stack up. Health and safety?

@HBrubanter Just don't go all Ben Hur and wreck the new bike by using it for chariot racing.

"It has been revealed that renowned motorcycling dam enthusiast, H. Brubanter will take delivery of a new motorcycle today. We go live now to our motorcycling correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan. Peter, this is excellent news, isn't it?"

@bigulchugh Always keep a spare card & some local currency in your luggage in case your wallet is lost or stolen when travelling. Transfer it to the room safe when you arrive. You can buy stored value debit cards from companies like Wise.

I lost my wallet in Vietnam… and realised it 15 hours later 👇 This happened at Novotel. Checkout was already done. We were just waiting for our airport drop. Kids asked for something to eat, so we decided to order. And that’s when things got interesting… When it was time to pay — no wallet. Rushed to reception, took the room key thinking I left it there. Checked everywhere. Housekeeping even helped by moving furniture around and searching every corner — but nothing. That’s when it hit me… What if we hadn’t ordered food and realised this only at the airport? 😳 Came back down and told the reception I must’ve misplaced it somewhere. Walked them through everything I did since last night… She paused, checked something on her phone, asked the color of my wallet… then my name. And then — she showed me a photo. My wallet. Open. All cards laid out. Cash counted. Turns out, I had left it at the bar counter. The staff had: • Taken photos of all contents • Counted the cash • Logged everything in a form • Secured it properly After verification, they handed it back with a form to sign. Honestly, rare to see this level of honesty and process 👏 One thing they could’ve done even better: My name was clearly printed on the card... they could’ve matched it with the guest list and called proactively. (Not complaining — even the hotel manager agreed. Just a small suggestion.) Overall, Vietnam hospitality 👍

@SgtMajFrenchie @melindiscott Sounds like Goose is a bit of a Maverick.

@melindiscott Whenever there was trouble, Goose was always in the thick of it. A natural ring leader. Such a naughty horse. But we all loved him.

A infamous day at The Royal Military Academy, when Goose led the Army horses a mile across camp in The Great Escape. Spare a thought for Falkland at the back. Close to retirement after a celebrated career carrying royalty, he did not feel the need to ‘do some phys’. #horses

@thesundaysport @KarlTurnerMP As I write this, 12 tons of KitKats are being moved into Karl's garage.

@KarlTurnerMP Just be careful they don't plant McSweeney's phone on you

I am being told that I have had the whip suspended but I have not had any notification from the whips about this. It seems journalists have been told but I have not.

@HBrubanter @DrGladimir That's Prince Harry. Unphotoshopped.

@DrGladimir Have you considered a wig?

Ladies

@ajcdeane The ambassador and his wife went all traditional when he presented his credentials to the King.

Who is your favourite diplomat of all time, and why is it Japan’s current ambassador to the U.K.?

@AndyFurnival2 @XRLlareggub @Scouser_Les_LFC So did Maggie.

@XRLlareggub @Scouser_Les_LFC They became militant

1979 Thatcher elected