Colin MacKenzie

The mackerel is a damn wide fish.

@acolinmackenzie @Follow_Follow_ Literally happening

@dtr1984 I definitely had options.

@acolinmackenzie Could be worse , could be ralston

Some poor kid in Mexico is about to blow the last of his pocket money on a tiny picture of Grant Hanley.

@itvfootball It would be good if whoever has taken a wounded seagull into the Arsenal end would hold it a bit further away from the mic.

@BraidenGB I remember the end coming flying off the aspergillum one Easter and the front two rows getting a right soaking.

Blimey. He's getting through a lot here. Reckon he must be pretty good at the old casting out demons malarkey.

I’m not surprised by this. I love the United States but I have precisely zero desire to go there this year. Or next year. Or the year after that.

@RobbieMcIntyre1 @CharlotteCGill As is the bit about being self-appointed Chair of TfL. Mayors chair TfL by virtue of their office, established by law.

@CharlotteCGill I assume you are aware that the first sentence of your tweet is a complete lie.

Sadiq Khan will only do media produced by Global (which runs the advertising on the tube. Khan is self-appointed chair of TfL btw). That’s why he’s always on LBC, which is produced by Global (as is The News Agents).

@robprogressive Low crime? Low crime where the victim is anyone you value.

Earn £1,000,000 in the UK Keep - £541,000 Earn £1,000,000 in Dubai Keep - £1,000,000 Dubai: low crime, booming economy, money stays yours UK: record crime, broken public services, half your income gone Why stay? Time to pack?

If you don’t want to hit each other, maybe try a little tickle?

@euanmccolm Some fruit bats can do that too.

my company and milk.

@tomhfh The clue being the sachet. It’s not in your tea by default and is not remotely relevant to this situation. But you knew that.

Wes Streeting announces the hated sugar tax will now kick in at 4.5 grams of sugar per drink. Sugar sachets typically carry 2.5-3 grams of sugar. So the government is now officially at war with anyone who dares have two sugars in their tea. This is an anti-British measure.

@CoachDriverDave @PolitlcsUK @thetimes Because they failed every crash test going, were toppled by the wind and caught fire rather a lot. But, yeah, fuck it - bring them back.

@PolitlcsUK @thetimes Bring back the little blue 3-wheelers. Practical. Easy to park. Cheap to run. Low maintenance. Why did they disappear from our roads? (Does anyone still use one?).

🚨 NEW: All premium brand cars have been removed from the Motability scheme with immediate effect, including: - BMW - Mercedes-Benz - Audi - Lexus - Alfa Romeo [@thetimes]

Pfft

Scared the dog.

Sweet baby Jesus and all of the tiny orphans.

@scottishkits2 82 with the 99 palette

Hhmmm based on the '99 kit? I beg to differ, makes more sense to be a anniversary kit of '95

I don’t use mine as a current account but, if you do, customers earning less than £40k pa need not apply.

Deeply weird anniversary ‘competition’ from #cahoot @santanderuk Eligibility - accounts with a minimum balance of £2,500

My wife always hopes there will be some sort of toy associated with the John Lewis Christmas ad. An hour-and-a-half I've been searching their website for a stuffed Charlotte Wells writing a stern letter to Saatchi and Saatchi.