The ORIGINAL (un)Surlypoet

Why do I elevate weed far above alcohol? Simple. Stupid drunks fight all the time over nothing. Want an example of your average weed fight? Here you go. "Dude, you ate the last slice of pizza. You are a dick." Then they both laugh, burn another bowl, and order another pizza.

Michelle Obama is so upset she is fleeing to Canada.

I have a ten year old Doberman named Drago. Over the past decade I’ve bought him every toy you can buy. None of them lasted a day. He ripped them all to shreds. A week ago I was at Target and saw a stuffed lamb (might be a sheep I have no idea) for sale. Bought it for Drago, expected it to last ten minutes. I’m not sure if he thinks it’s his kid or what but he has not only not destroyed it, he brings it everywhere. When he eats, he brings it to his bowl. When he goes outside, he takes it. I’m fairly certain that if I tried to take it from him he would kill me. 😂

This is hilarious! 🤣 MEMPHIS WOMAN ARRESTED AFTER LISTING HUSBAND ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE FOR $100 OR BEST OFFER MEMPHIS, TN — In what experts are calling "the most honest Facebook Marketplace listing of 2026," a 47-year-old Memphis woman was arrested after allegedly putting her husband up for sale online with a starting bid of $100 or best offer. The seller, identified as Tammy Sue Pickens, posted photos of her 49-year-old husband, Ricky Dale Pickens, standing in the driveway holding a weed eater he reportedly hasn't used since the Obama administration. The listing described Ricky as: • "Used daily but rarely for intended purposes." • "Makes mysterious groaning noises when asked to take out the trash." • "Factory-installed remote control only responds to sports channels." • "Includes emotional baggage, old fishing gear, and three unfinished garage projects." • "Needs software updates but refuses to install them." • "Check engine light has been on since 2017." Within hours, the listing went viral across Memphis, drawing more than 1,200 messages, 400 laughing emojis, and at least three marriage proposals from women who believed they could "fix him." According to investigators, things escalated when one potential buyer asked if the husband came with maintenance records. Tammy reportedly replied: "No records, but I can tell you exactly what's wrong with him." Another interested shopper asked if delivery was available. Tammy's response: "Only if you bring a trailer and promise not to bring him back." The situation took a bizarre turn when Ricky learned about the listing after arriving at work and being greeted by coworkers asking whether he preferred being traded for a riding mower or a Blackstone griddle. One coworker reportedly walked into the break room and yelled: "Hey Ricky, somebody offered two pit bulls, a smoker, and four tickets to Grizzlies preseason games. You moving?" Police say Tammy then began scheduling "viewing appointments" for interested buyers. One prospective purchaser allegedly showed up carrying a tape measure, flashlight, and clipboard. Neighbors reported hearing him ask: "Has he always made that rattling noise?" The highest offer reportedly came from a woman in Bartlett who offered: • Two goats • A used bass boat • Half a freezer full of deer meat • And a 2004 riding mower that "only needs a carburetor" Authorities intervened after Tammy reportedly started creating a spreadsheet titled "Potential New Owners." The Marketplace listing was eventually removed, but not before local residents began debating whether Ricky's trade value was increasing or decreasing. As for Ricky, sources say he has changed every password in the house, hidden the Wi-Fi router, locked down the Netflix account, and is currently sleeping with one eye open. Friends say he's also started checking Facebook Marketplace every morning just to make sure he hasn't been relisted under the category: "Free Stuff — Must Pick Up Today." Cliff Messer

Proud to be white🤍

@Paigewilld In truth I wouldn't eat them after...BUT I'm guessing she could crack walnuts with that thing.

@xerias_x @drefanzor made me laugh. Who says the truth can't be funny?

Michelle Obama releases her new pocket watch after UFC Freedom 250: (w/ @drefanzor)

🚨 UPDATE: Another Fresh Israeli Strike on Hezbollah. ISRAEL HAS DECIDED THAT THIS TIME IT WILL NOT STOP UNTIL HEZBOLLAH IS COMPLETELY DEFEATED. What do you think ?

🚨 RONALDO GIFTED A RESTAURANT TO THE WOMAN WHO FED HIM WHEN HE WAS 10–12 AND HAD NO MONEY🚨 Cristiano Ronaldo: :- “When I was kid 10-12 years old. I didn’t have money. Near our house, there was a McDonald’s. At night, we would go to the back door and ask the ladies if there were any leftover burgers. They used to give us food, and that meant a lot to me. Later in life, I tried very hard to find them again. When I finally did, I wanted to repay their kindness, so I invited them and gifted them a restaurant.”

@Vikrant_1589 THAT is a good man.

Went for a quick bite to eat today, and while standing in line, I was asked by a large group of bikers to cut in front of them. I declined, but they insisted. As I made my way past them they all thanked me and shook my hand, each one introducing themselves. When I got to the front, they asked if they could pray for me. Said a quick prayer for me and I for them. They then tried to buy my lunch which I politely refused. Get to the counter to pay and the owner told me it was on the house. So I dumped all the cash I had in the tip jar. Was a nice change of pace to feel appreciated and respected instead of feared or hated. Thanks for making my day!!! Credit: Harold Broussard

How Josh Hokit found out about Michelle Obama 😭

@MattPinner_ A Morris Minor?

If Queen Elizabeth was a Rolls Royce what is King Charles?

@RelentlesSheep Made me laugh.

#UFC Is a man!

@danawhite, you've done stuff I don't agree with, but luckily more I do. One thing's for sure. ANYONE questioning YOUR patriotism is less than cordially invited to eat shit and swallow farts. Thank you for #UFC #Freedom250. I've been around for Haley's Comet and this equals that.

President @realDonaldTrump, though it was YOUR birthday you unselfishly gave all patriotic Americans an amazing present with #UFC #Freedom250. Thank you, sir. Now if only all the hateful anti-American sacks of shit would magically disappear...yeah, I know. Too much to hope for.

@Justin_Gaethje, you did America proud. You showed how true patriots are willing to die for the cause of freedom, and YOUR own determination to win it all or die trying. Those who matter in America salute you. As for those who don't, well, who cares about those useless bitches?

#UFC #Freedom250 last night at the #WhiteHouse as opposed to a handful of useless anti-American leftist scumbags thinking anyone cared about their antics, has never provided a more clear delineation between REAL PATRIOTIC FIGHTERS who KICK ass, and sickos who take it UP the ass.

@TiffanyFong I might propose marriage.

@SebGorka Lying liars lie because nowhere within demons can truth be found.