Valbus Crumbledore 🐀

Re-installed Twitter on my phone purely to say that #Rezzmau5 at @hijinxfest had me feeling my insoles on a molecular level tonight @OfficialRezz @deadmau5

"did you break a bong, or fracture it?"

Ever look at your feet and you just can't consciously feel them? No? Just me?

Hate not seeing the blue bird when I wake up #elonyousuck

Big Mouth/Human Resources are such good shows, like, objectively the hardest hitting animated TV series, and somehow I'm lucky to exist at the same time they do?

Christmas wishlist: I really want a loop lasso but I don't want to buy it myself, but they'd be soooo fun to have at a show 🥺

Also realizing I drunkenly changed my Twitter bio to a Shrek quote this past weekend. Proud of me for that one

Yeah, so, welcome to midnight exhaustion tweets with Valbus 💩the type of content that will never grace the platform that is Threads

Someone asked me if I thought I should be eating more fiber when I asked where the pepto bismol was at and I laughed because fiber is the LAST thing my digestive track needs. I'm trying to reduce the poos, not give my body a reason to spend more time on the porcelain throne

I'm also rattled by the fact that I've encountered TWO people in the past month who were under the impression pepto bismol makes you poop (rather than blocks you up - what it actually does). Where did this false narrative come from?

Was really hoping to finally get a decent night's sleep but instead, here I am, hunched like some type of goblin on my squatty potty, deliriously eating pepto bismol tablets like candy at midnight

I'm a huge slut for sustainability, so you know I had to cop this eco-friendly Speidel watch that's both recyclable & made out of recycled materials on prime day last week 😎 (driven by my desire to not constantly dig my phone out of my fanny pack to check set times @ festivals)

@azazieofficial should offer the option to make a spaghetti strapped dress into one with normal straps. This suggestion is brought to you big big boob gang/not wanting welts on my shoulder/neck but wanting the cute dresses that are ONLY OFFERED with spaghetti straps

"I just wanna trip him when I see him [in a road race]" - Thuy, on @SimplyStinzy

When Bagel World is on the bachelorette party itinerary, you know it's gonna be lit

An ask to any fruit-engineer/scientists out there (if that's a thing): please make raspberries without the crunchy seeds 🥺

When mom brings home the Costco rotisserie chicken

My job would be SO MUCH EASIER if people just read the information I sent to them 🫠

Asta and Naruto are exactly the same character in that they're both obnoxious orphans

I'm just convinced that the development teams at Microsoft's only goals when they roll out new features is to ensure it annoys the ever-living hell out of me and only me. Where's Ashton? Where's the hidden cameras?