Meg the Magnificent 🏳️‍🌈

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their "sell by" date

For those of us who live too far from Nick Fuentes to TP his house and egg his car, we can still send him glitter mail with a note that says, "Your mailbox, my choice"

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

I don't know who needs to hear this but, you can LITERALLY tell people to suck on broken glass. There's not a damn thing they can do about it.

a haunted house but it’s just a room full of “independent thinkers” who “did their own research”

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

Daily reading for you!

I wish I could get paid for being cozy. I have elite cozy skills.

This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn't paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions

I'm not special, I put on my pants three arms at a time just like everyone else

@Michael6266151 Thank you for your support of my desire for a nice long nap 🥱😴

@meghaffer I don't know I don't know Why not 🤗

How is it only Tuesday? What is my dog barking at now? Can I just take a nap until Friday?

@difficultpatty Make soup. Poison his bowl. Then you have both

I’m on my period. Do I murder my husband or make soup?

The song I’m Too Sexy was a cry for help. The man didn’t even feel like he fit in with his clothes. No one realized though because y’all don’t listen.

Me: Pretty soon it will be snowing. Guy in Florida falling into a sinkhole full of alligators during a hurricane: omg I hate snow

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

you think humans have evolved as the superior species until you bite a chunk out of your own cheek

I got my heart in a mess my head can’t get us out of. Also, I look like this.

my friend’s kid asked me how many hours is 3 times 48 and i said 144 why and she explained to me that she just started wearing deodorant and needed to know when to re-apply bc she’s used it 3 times already so she’s good for 6 days.

@Bob_Janke I tried, but I missed

This is it. This is life, the one you get, so go and have a ball