opalbeetle

I'm competing in the annual 'Give Helium to a Sheep' contest, and I'm a bit worried because last year the bar was very high.

@anon_opin I think the same about the actor in adverts. Not in the credits, but it's really hard to find out who they are

It's so petty that quiz shows don't include the names of the contestants in the closing credits.

@cowincrisis Cow is still here... what happened to the other animals?

the grass is literally greener on the other side i can fucking see it

@simsimmaaz Does no one just get an old towel to use? Enjoy the freedom of not wearing anything for a little while...

You don't just plop the tampon back in?? Or have a pad opened and stuck to your fresh panties waiting on the counter?

Fred came home from college one night in tears. “Mom… am I adopted?” “Of course not,” she said. “Why would you think that?” Fred showed her his DNA test results — no matches to any relatives, but strong matches to a family on the other side of the city. Shaken, she called her husband. “Honey… Fred took a DNA test, and… I don’t know how to say this… he might not be our son.” “Yeah, obviously,” he replied. “What do you mean, ‘obviously’?” “It was your idea,” he said. “Remember that first night in the hospital? The baby wouldn’t stop screaming and crying. You told me to go change him.” There was a long pause. “Well,” he added, “I think I picked a good one.”

I’ve never “made” a woman cum, because I don’t “make” women do anything. But yes, they have politely declined my invitation many times.

Geography fact- the Chameleon is the only animal depicted on the flag of every nation.

@vmblakeslee @J_D_89 I interpreted it thus; people of all age groups could be doing it, instead of relying on the oldest generations, and I also think wouldnt it be nice if they were paid roles and didn't have to solely organised by volunteers.

@J_D_89 Bother you? This has long been the role of women in that age group. As it should.

Went to go and do set up at the playgroup my daughter does on a Friday this morning as their normal volunteers were away, and it really does bother me how much of actual existing volunteering and civic society is held together by women in their 60s and 70s.

@captain_mrs I started in 1999 with the local paper and the Sun cryptic. Pretty easy going good starter puzzles. From there it was just practice and remembering all the different abbreviations etc. Love them.

the cryptic crossword is an extremely british coded cultural pursuit because it is about inferring and operating based on a set of complex, hidden but completely prescriptive rules. I've landed on "person explaining cryptic crossword clues" TikTok, where the presumably international audience in the comment section is completely dumbfounded because the rules are so odd but completely deterministic - you can't just do whatever you like, it literally tells you what to do - but to the outsider it looks like numberwang

Found a button wallet full of someone’s geography notes on the .@dublinbusnews F3 which runs from Greenhills to Charlestown. A student has put a huge amount into what look like Junior Cert geography key topics. If anyone is missing these I have them safe and well and can post

David mitchell i am down on my hands and knees and elbows begging for you to do taskmaster

@cluedont Of course you used to be able to buy Archbishop outright on a disk. Now you have to bloody subscribe to keep it running properly.

@Jacksonsrule Go to your local mosque, sit down with the imam and try to convince them ladies don't need to cover every inch of their skin. 🤷🏻‍♀️ or just carry on with your day

Is there any right way to react to the burqini?

The Jetsons lied to us

@DudespostingWs Honestly, I never understood how they normalized us paying 20% to the person who brings this fabulous meal and puts it on my plate and maybe refills my drink? 90% of any restaurant tip should go to the cooking staff.

@BambooZooka @IMAO_ I came to the comments to say we do this in the uK too 🤣

@IMAO_ uk sectretary of state for net zero struggles with a bacon sandwich

Everyone assumes this picture of Buttigieg is him eating a chicken wing, and that's because he's biting in a way to engage his "rip-the-flesh-from-the-bone" front teeth, so we fill in "chicken wing" to make it make sense. But what he is actually eating is a small piece of a cinnamon roll, and our brains just can't comprehend biting into a small piece of dough that way. It's like an alien took over a human body and is unfamiliar with the subtleties of how it works.

@ChrisHewgill Need to revive Noel's House Party

#SNLUK was brilliant and it’s so refreshing to see someone trying something bold and new on Saturday night. Let’s remember they replaced Saturday Night Takeaway with endless Britain’s Got Talent which is in its 703rd season

@JGMooreWriter We can no more explain our sense of humour than Americans can explain some of their sense of humour on SNL 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can someone explain what the joke is here? Because there's no semantic context, no set-up, no punchline, no nothing. Just some guy jabbering on in different Irish accents, and then shouting like a toddler. #SNL #SNLUK #SaturdayNightLive

@irishwolf99 Tina Fey's best bit for me was this sketch. 'I want this not'

Finally got around to watching the premiere of #SNLUK and honestly, it surpassed every expectation (which admittedly were low!). The Weekend Update a particular highlight, but laughed way more than I expected to #CuntyLittleEarring

@susi_spencer @Variety Ten years ago this would have been picked up by channel 4

@Variety #SNLUK had really poor viewing figures just over 200 thousand

#SNLUK review: If this show is just to celebrate a U.S. institution that most Brits have never tuned into, after the initial hype dies down it’ll fall flat on its face. Yet, if it's left to confidently find its own feet, leaning into something more British and inherently surreal — such as Cilla Black impressions and Shakespeare turning up on a stolen lime bike before saying “c---y little earring” — it’ll have a hope. variety.com/2026/tv/global…