El Padriño

Setting: Kitty Hoynes Jeremy: i’d marry her right now Padriño: what if she hates jews? Jeremy: i’m not a jew then Girtz: farting aggressively in the fart corner

Is there anything worse than growing up?

Nothing hurts more than shipping up to boston one last time

@RickyRickMinMin Good call on Mr. Balls. Big fan of his.

Dream Dudes Dinner Party: Anthony Bourdain Paul Rudd Larry David Ryan Gosling Jason Bateman Kevin James Danny McBride Jameis Winston Chris Hemsworth Shane Gillis Will Ferrell Shaq Rizzler Timothee Chalamet Ryan Reynolds Michael B Jordan Tyson Chandler Rhett McLaughlin Josh Allen

Just venmo’d a girl $30 to let me skip her in line for the bathroom at the bar. We are not the same. #smallbladder

@Roddicus_Rex Cement your own legacy, Rod.

They want me to make a move? In this economy? Without my Brad Pitt jacket? Mannnnnnnn, fuck chief! @richtakes

Easily a top 3 worst hangover of my life. One of those full day IR hangovers. My head fuzzy and my eyeballs feel like rocks.

It’s really over man. Does it get better?

@richtakes Don’t look behind you. There’s a massive fire on the mountain.

@thewitmaster Favorite Dead show?

My 4 years of going out outfits: - Grateful dead tee + black khakis - long sleeve waffle + black khakis - Grateful dead tee + black khakis - long sleeve waffle + black khakis - that 1 night in rizzler shirt - Grateful dead tee + black khakis - long sleeve waffle + black khakis

@richtakes All of them. Love waffle.

@thewitmaster Favorite long sleeve waffle show?

I’m not taking my sneakers off

The masculine urge to stop writing this portfolio effective immediately and shift all of my attention to opening up a bbq smokehouse.

Someone HAS to indian sunburn me tonight

If you are depressed about graduating college, a woman, or life in general, I highly recommend avoiding the new Noah Kahan album at all costs. Shit ruined my day.

Noah Kahan you sick son of a bitch you’ve done it again

Have you ever thought about the alternative reality in which spongebob big guy pants are not okay?

A promise to my followers: i will learn how to play the saxophone one day.

Is there a single worse thing than girls returning from abroad surprise videos?