oh hi mark

@thewinekone no context video from 12 years ago.

Listening to a lot of @OffMenuOfficial lately. Definitely think @EdGambleComedy & @JamesAcastor (🤣) should reach out to Karl Pilkington. A true podcast pioneer!

@DartCharge I am BEGGING YOU please let me speak to a person and not an automated service. It keeps sending me round in circles. When I got through to someone he transferred me BACK to the automated loop 😡

Ok I’ve found my new dream job. @theanimalguyz were amazing. Great show! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Not the mention the fact that it sounds like multiple gun shots at one point. I’m surprised there haven’t been more complaints. I’m all for the show, I just think it could have been placed somewhere better. Not in a loud echoey space.

@Butlins who’s idea was it to have Brainiac LIVE on the main stage?! Kids can’t enjoy the arcades because of the massive explosions every few minutes. Surprised it was given the green light considering how many kids experience sensory overload these days.

@thewinekone Does not compute.

Who knew saying hello on here once and a while would get a bunch of engagement? Weird. But I'm not entirely convinced that all of you are human who did the engaging. I'm onto you, bots. In fact, what if all of you are just advanced AI and I'm just writing to myself at this point?

Now that I'm nearing the age that my dad suddenly passed away, I always give my bellend a wash over the sink after having a pee, just so that I know I have a clean knob if my time is up.

Many years ago on holiday in Greece my girlfriend decided to wank me off using a watermelon with a hole cut in it. Apparently the Romans used to do it. All I will say is those pips are sharp as fuck. Never again.

@fesshole That, er… never happened, did it fesser?

I was at a safari park where you drive your cars through the enclosures, and when we were in the lion enclosure I really needed to piss. I could not hold it in, so I jumped out of the car and pissed behind a tree.

For ages now I've been singing Tenacious D's "Fuck her gently" to my kids, changing "fuck" to "hug", and changing other rude words to "cuddle" etc, under the pretence that I made the song up. I don't know when or how they'll find out the truth, but it'll be glorious.

@parcelforce Sent

@MarkTweeted Hi, I'm sorry to hear that. Please could you DM your tracking number, full name, delivery address and telephone number so we can look into this for you ~ Meg

@eddy_magic @parcelforce Same! Currently on hold (20 mins so far)

@Pablo942000 @parcelforce Same

@parcelforce Hi, I wonder if you can help. I had a delivery due yesterday between 13-14 and it never arrived and the tracking still shows out for delivery?

@parcelforce how do I speak to a human, please? Your automated service is sending me round in circles and you have lost a very important package of mine.

Oh how I wish @parcelforce could tell me where my package is. Delayed by 3 days now when originally they said it would be redelivered in 24 hours. I need my package for work 🤦🏻‍♂️

I can’t believe I’m sat in my car listening to @jennafischer and @AngelaKinsey talk about playing Tequila on a rusty trombone 🤦🏻‍♂️ literally laughing out loud 😭 #officeladies

@fesshole Genius.

Dad loves creepy charity shop portraits. I commissioned an artist friend to paint two of the same woman only in one she's smiling. Gave Dad the other and he put it on the landing. Changed it for April Fools and it shocked him so much he fell down the stairs and fractured his arm.

@jetty2yo @dickndom Ah bollocks. Tickets weren’t in my name so I wouldn’t have seen an email. Ah well, still had an awesome time in Birmingham

@MarkTweeted @dickndom You have to send an application form they sent out emails 👍

@dickndom currently watching the Birmingham show but I LIVE IN SOUTHEND. Please please please can I be a bungalow head for tomorrows show at the cliffs??? 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼