Mithra

Europeans look like depigmented Indians

SERIOUS UPDATE: Judaism lasted 22 hours. And honestly? It's Judaism's fault. It's really the Torah's fault. It said too much. Here's what happened. Last night after converting I was deep in Torah study. Full Rabbi Derek mode. 1am. Coffee cold. Eyes burning. The payot were starting to curl nicely. They looked less like sideburns and more like a spiritual mullet but I was committed. Then I hit Isaiah 27. "Yahweh with his great sword will punish Leviathan the fleeing serpent, Leviathan the twisting serpent, and he will slay the dragon in the sea." And my brain broke. Because I'd read that before. Not in the Bible. In the Baal Cycle. Ugaritic tablets from centuries before the Hebrew Bible existed. Baal fights Litanu. The fleeing serpent. The twisting serpent. Same epithets. Same enemy. Same fight. Word for word. Hundreds of years earlier. My OCD brain started pulling the threads. Psalm 74: Yahweh crushing the heads of Leviathan. That's Baal. Psalm 29: the voice of the Lord over the waters, breaking the cedars of Lebanon. That's a recycled Baal hymn with the name swapped out. Psalm 82: God standing in the divine council among the gods. That's El's council. Just sitting right there in the Bible like someone forgot to delete the rough draft. Then I found the big one. In the Baal Cycle, Baal is swallowed by Mot. Death itself. He dies. Goes to the underworld. And then he rises. Death and resurrection of a divine figure. Over a thousand years before Jesus. The Bible tried to bury this. But it buried it the way a dog buries a bone. Badly. With the tail still sticking out. I looked down at my payot. Then I looked at the Baal Cycle on my screen. Then back at the payot. I grabbed scissors from the kitchen and cut them off over the sink at 2:30am. They hit the basin looking like a dead hamster. Ryann walked in and said "what is happening?" I said "Ryann, Yahweh is a latecomer. El is his father. Asherah is the Queen of Heaven. Baal is the dying and rising son. There are SEVENTY sons of El and the whole Hebrew Bible is a coverup." She said "it's 2am, Derek." I said "THE BAAL CYCLE DOESN'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS, RYANN." I called Daniel O. McClellan at 6am. He picked up because he's a better person than I deserve. I said "Dan. Psalm 29. Baal hymn. Yes or no." He said "Derek, are you okay?" I said "JUST CONFIRM THE PSALM PLEASE, DAN." He said "...yes, many scholars think Psalm 29 has Canaanite origins." I said "THANK YOU" and hung up. I could hear him saying "wait, what's going on" as I hit end call. Sorry Dan, I hope he forgives me. I called Joshua Bowen. He said "let me guess." I said "the Baal Cycle." He said "yep." I said "YOU KNEW?" He said "Derek, I wrote a book about this." I said "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME FROM BECOMING JEWISH FIRST?" He said "I didn't know you became Jewish." I said "Josh, it was a whole thing. I had the hat. I had the payot. I called a rabbi. He told me conversion takes a year. It took me fourteen hours to outgrow the entire religion." I called Tovia Singer. This was the hard one. I said "Rabbi, I need to tell you something. I've gone deeper. Deeper than Torah. Deeper than Moses. I've gone to Ugarit." Dead silence. Then he said "Derek, how long were you Jewish?" I said "fourteen hours." He said "that might be a record." I said "Rabbi, you showed me the source code. But the source code has a source code. El, the ancient father. Asherah, his queen. Baal, his son who died and rose before Jesus was a concept. You cracked open the door and I walked through it and kept walking." He said "I'm hanging up now." I said "SHALOM, RABBI." He was already gone. I called Neal Sendlak. He picked up and just sighed. Ten full seconds of sigh. I said "Neal, I found a dying and rising god older than Jesus." He said "yeah, Derek, I know. That's literally my content. I've been saying this for years." I said "but have you considered WORSHIPPING him?" He said "I'm begging you to stop calling me" and hung up. I called Jacob Berman from History Valley. I said "Jacob. El and the seventy sons. The divine council. Asherah. It was RIGHT THERE the whole time." Jacob actually engaged. He said "yeah, the Ugaritic parallels are really fascinating." FINALLY. ONE PERSON. I said "Jacob, will you worship Baal with me?" He said "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Close enough. I called Justin DZ from Deconstruction Zone. He said "what now?" I said "ancient Canaanite polytheism." Long pause. Then he said "honestly that's the most on-brand thing you've done all week." I called my mom. She said "Derek Michael Lambert, are you on drugs?" I said "no Mom, I'm on the Baal Cycle." She said "I don't know what that is but I'm calling your father." I said "pray for me, Mom." She said "to WHO?" I said "GREAT QUESTION MOM. THERE WERE SEVENTY OPTIONS." Trent Horn update: I emailed him from a fourth email address. I said "Trent, the dying and rising god motif predates Jesus by over a thousand years. Baal was swallowed by Death and raised to life. Your move." He responded in under two minutes: "Derek, I have contacted the authorities." I don't know if he means the police or the Vatican but either way I'm honored. I reached out to several Christian apologists to inform them their God's resume was plagiarized from a Bronze Age storm deity. Not one responded. Not one. The Baal Cycle broke them. The payot are gone. The prayer shawl is gone. I am now wearing the garment of a Ugaritic priest and holding an idol of Baal. El is my father. Asherah is my queen. Anat is my protector. And the Hebrew Bible? That's just Baal fanfic with the serial numbers filed off. The channel is now MythCycle. My first video will be "How the Bible Plagiarized a Bronze Age Storm God and Hoped You Wouldn't Notice." Ryann woke up this morning, saw me at the kitchen table in full Ugaritic regalia holding a bronze idol, and said absolutely nothing. She turned around and went back to bed. I think she's accepted that this is her life now. Wes Huff: still on read. But El is patient. El has time. El has SEVENTY sons and not a single one of them has left me on read.

If you want Japan to become Catholic you don’t want Japan to remain Japanese.

Buddha died. Muhammad died. Krishna died. But Jesus Christ died and resurrected from the dead. That’s why I follow Christ.

What’s the name for the type of dress shirt Iranian politicians wear?

If you like Japanese culture you have to Acknowledge the reason it exists is because great Daimyo ruthlessly defended it. The vikings duelled, wrote death poems, had magical girls (valkyrie), and the rest… but they didn’t have warning like the prots gave about jesuits