Just Will 🖖

In honor of a real one, drop your favorite Chuck Norris meme:

I have no problem staying late on Friday to resolve an actual problem but if somebody's gonna put an arbitrary deadline on something they sent me last minute that has no real value I'm gonna call them on it. They're also not gonna get it till Monday.

@alt_w_v_g Excellent job escaping!

Karen in HR swung by my office this morning Asked if I'm joining the Employee Engagement team-building session this afternoon I said "what is it" She said "an escape room" I said "what time" She said "5pm" On a Friday An escape room At 5pm On a Friday The irony of trapping employees in a room they have to solve their way out of at the exact hour they've been trying to escape all week was apparently lost on her I said "no" She said "it's mandatory" I said "so is reading the policy before enforcing it but here we are" She said "it's about building team culture" I said "I already spend 50 hours a week with these people. If we haven't built culture by now, a padlock and a flashlight aren't going to fix it." She said "your attitude is part of the problem" I said "my attitude built the Q2 forecast in two days. What has the escape room built." She didn't answer She left a flyer on my desk I used it as a coaster At 4:58 I packed my bag The analyst saw me leaving He said "you're not going?" I said "I have somewhere to be" He said "where" I said "home" He looked confused Like the concept of leaving at 5 on a Friday was something he'd only read about I said "you should try it sometime" Got in the car My wife called She said "are you coming home?" I said "I escaped" She said "from what" I said "the escape room" She said "you didn't go did you" I said "I didn't need to. I solved it from my office. The answer was the door." She laughed First time she's laughed at something I said in weeks I'm counting that Plz fix. Thx. Sent from my iPhone

RIP Chuck Norris. Prayers to him and his family.

@sciencegirl Busted!

The owner wanted to use a surveillance camera to see what his cat was doing when he was not home

@rand_longevity Both, just keep them separated. I generally prefer AM cardio PM lifting but I tend to do max effort cardio (Sprinting/Endurance) on non lifting days.

do you focus on cardio or lifting?

@brockpierson The fact this was 27 years ago is devastating.

Was the Budweiser WAZAAP commercial from 1999 the best ever?

@NatashaCL7 Yup, just north of Chicago, was snowing Monday its gonna be 70 tomorrow lol

Wonder what it’s like living in the Midwest? Last weekend we had a blizzard followed by sub zero temps. Tomorrow it’s going to be 80 degrees and sunny. Our weather is like being in a relationship with an avoidant.🤣

@greg16676935420 @Kalshi

@Kalshi Does anyone else see what I see?

BREAKING: Democrats and Republicans are now tied at 50% to win the Senate.

@brockpierson I mean at least you're not running a data center of zip drives.

You are a trend hopping grifter who runs mac mini clusters 24/7 and sells Openclaw courses yet has never produced a real product. I stack twelve US Robotics 56K modems together to achieve 668 kbps download speeds. We are not the same.

@alt_w_v_g This resonates so much. 1 hour and 37 minutes waiting for 6 minutes while every movement for the time you are actually are in the room is enhanced by the crinkling of that paper. I swear on some appointments I have read all the wall material 5 times over.

Went to the doctor the other week My wife made the appointment She said I "look tired" I said I am tired She said "not normal tired. Weird tired." I don't know what that means but I went anyway Nice office Fish tank in the lobby Third one this year Signed in at 1:48pm My appointment was at 2:00pm 12 minutes early Because I was raised to believe that matters The receptionist said "the doctor is running a little behind" I said "how far behind" She said "about 45 minutes" I said "so my 2:00 appointment is actually a 2:45 appointment" She said "we appreciate your patience" I said "I haven't shown any yet" My wife grabbed my arm There was a sign behind the desk "Missed appointments without 24-hour notice will incur a $75 fee" The doctor was 45 minutes late Nobody offered me $75 We sat down CNN was playing on mute with subtitles Running a segment about New York City redesigning its trash cans Cost the city $4 million I looked at my wife She said "don't start" Seven magazines on the table All from 2019 I read an article about supply chain disruptions that have since been resolved Very informative My wife was on her phone She looked up and said "WebMD says you might be dehydrated" I said "so we're paying $1,800 for a second opinion on WebMD" She went back to her phone At 2:54pm they called my name A nurse walked me to a room Took my blood pressure Took my temperature Typed for three minutes Then said "the doctor will be right in" I sat on the paper The paper ripped immediately I looked at the wall There was a diagram of a colon Not how I planned to spend my Tuesday 3:19pm The doctor walked in 1 hour and 19 minutes after my scheduled appointment He was looking at his phone Shook my hand without making eye contact Sat down and read my chart for about 30 seconds While I sat there watching him learn who I was He said "so what brings you in today" I said "my wife thinks I look weird tired" He said "what does that mean" I said "I was hoping you'd tell me" He said "when's the last time you had bloodwork done" I said "2019 maybe" He said "we should run a full panel" I said "fine" He asked if I was sleeping well I said "I have three kids and a golden retriever who thinks 3am is a reasonable time to need outside" He said "are you drinking enough water" I said "probably not" He said "that might be it" I said "you think the reason I look weird tired is because I don't drink enough water" He said "dehydration is more common than people think" I said "I've been here over an hour and sat on a piece of paper that ripped to be told to drink water" He said "we'll know more when the bloodwork comes back" I said "when will that be" He said "3 to 5 business days" I said "business days" He said "yes" I said "my blood has business days" He didn't respond Then he said "any other concerns" I said "several. But none you can bill for." He shook my hand again Still no eye contact Total face time with the doctor: 6 minutes Total time in the building: 1 hour and 37 minutes I was examined for approximately 6% of the time I was present I've fired people for better numbers than that My wife was in the waiting room She asked how it went I said "I need to drink water" She said "I told you that last week" I said "yes but now it's a medical opinion so it costs $1,800" She didn't laugh In the car she said "at least now you know you're fine" I said "I was fine when I walked in. I just didn't have the receipt to prove it." She didn't disagree The bloodwork came back four business days later Everything was normal The doctor's office sent a message through their portal It said "results look great. Continue to stay hydrated and follow up in 12 months." Follow up in 12 months To be told to drink water again $1,800 1 hour and 37 minutes 6 minutes of face time One ripped piece of paper And the same advice my wife gave me for free Plz fix. Thx. Sent from my iPhone

@rand_longevity Affirmations right when you wake up.

morning routine checklist: - coffee - creatine - 10 mins of sunlight - 16oz of water - long walk what would you add?

@alt_w_v_g Absolutely incredible.

Update: Wednesday The department-wide meeting I was not invited I went anyway 8am Walked in Legal pad in hand The room was full Not just HR Not just finance The entire floor Someone from marketing was there She had "Identified Adjective: Creative" in her email signature I've never met her HR stood at the front PowerPoint on the screen Slide one: "Email Signature Policy: Clarification & Compliance" I sat in the front row HR looked at me I opened my legal pad She began "Effective immediately, the email signature policy will require identified pronouns only. Adjectives are not included." I raised my hand She said "we're not taking questions yet" I said "it's not a question. It's a point of order. The current policy says 'identified.' It does not specify a part of speech. You're changing the policy, not clarifying it." Legal was in the back of the room He nodded Again HR said "we've updated the language" I said "when" She said "this morning" I said "so the policy I complied with yesterday is no longer the policy today" She said "correct" I said "and I'm the one being non-compliant" The room was quiet The controller raised his hand He said "so do I remove 'Tired' or not" Someone in the back laughed HR did not laugh The analyst was standing in the doorway I didn't invite him He came anyway He was holding a legal pad I looked at him He looked at me I didn't say anything But I noted it HR said "going forward, signatures will include name, title, and identified pronouns. Nothing else." I said "I'll comply with the new policy" She looked surprised I said "effective today. As written. Until someone changes it again." My boss said "I think that's fair" HR closed the PowerPoint Meeting adjourned in 14 minutes I walked out The analyst followed me He said "so the adjectives are gone?" I said "from the signature, yes" He said "that's it?" I said "the policy changed. So I'll change." He looked confused I said "but the policy didn't say anything about the out-of-office auto-reply" He stared at me I stared back He smiled First time I've ever seen that kid smile at work I think he just earned his first adjective Updated my out-of-office to: Thank you for your email. I am currently unavailable. Best, Ethan Brooks Identified Adjectives: Smart / Handsome Identified Chromosomes: XY For urgent matters, please contact HR. They love hearing from people. Sent from my iPhone

@smithhmackenzie Ground Beef, Riced Cauliflower and Primal Kitchen Buffalo Sauce are a staple of my daily eating.

How can getting in protein be hard when beef and rice exist Takes 5 mins to make and is absolutely delicious Can take 5 extra mins to make it into a burger bowl, taco bowl, or stir fry No excuses

@alt_w_v_g HR may stand for Human Resources but it really stands for Horrible Rational.

GAME DAY!!! LFG

@FITNESS__WINS D

Let's Settle this!

@alt_w_v_g It's like I'm waiting for the next episode of a streaming series to drop.

Wednesday is tomorrow HR scheduled a department-wide meeting about identified adjectives I was not invited Neither was legal I have my legal pad ready My analyst asked if he should come I said "you haven't earned that yet" Any last-minute agenda items from stakeholders before I walk in uninvited? Drop them below Will report back on how it goes Wish me luck Actually don't I don't need it Best, Ethan Brooks Identified Adjectives: Smart / Handsome Sent from my iPhone

@FadeAwayMedia @Y2AJcodebreaker Those are some solid ass cats

Stone Cold Steve Austin posts a photo with his cats Pancho & Macho and his horse Rebel.

@alt_w_v_g Best account on this platform, I am not sure that's a compliment or a slight.... plz fix. thx.

Tried to log into my bank this morning Not a new bank My bank The one that has my money It said "please verify you are human" I am human I have a mortgage I have a therapist I pay $250 an hour I paid $47.63 for bread, milk, and eggs last week Only a human would do that But the bank was not convinced It showed me a grid of images "Select all squares with traffic lights" Nine squares Three had traffic lights But one square had the very edge of a traffic light pole Maybe two pixels of yellow paint I stared at it Is that a traffic light or a pole near a traffic light Does proximity count Where does the traffic light end and the infrastructure begin I selected it Wrong New grid "Select all squares with bicycles" Four squares had bicycles But one square had just a wheel No frame No handlebars Just a circle I did not select it Wrong Apparently a wheel is a bicycle now By that logic my Camry is a bicycle It has wheels Third attempt "Select all squares with stairs" Two squares had stairs One had a ramp Is a ramp stairs A ramp is the opposite of stairs A ramp exists specifically because stairs exist and some people cannot use them That is the entire point of a ramp I selected just the two obvious ones Wrong It wanted the ramp I am a CFO I've fired people with more due process than this But I cannot pass a test designed to keep bots out of my own checking account Fourth attempt "Click and hold until the image stops moving" A jigsaw puzzle piece floated across the screen I clicked and held It stopped I released "Verification failed" I held it longer It stopped again I released "Verification failed" I held it for eleven seconds My finger cramped The image drifted to the right and stopped I released "Success" Fourteen minutes Four attempts To access money that is mine In an account with my name on it At an institution that sends me emails every single day asking if I want a home equity line of credit You know my email You know my phone number You know my social You know I bought gas at a Shell station in Scottsdale on Tuesday at 2:47pm You know I spent $340 at a pharmacy last week You know everything about me except whether I'm human My wife walked in She said "what are you doing" I said "proving to a computer that I'm not a computer" She said "are you winning" I said "I just spent fourteen minutes deciding if a ramp is stairs" She said "that sounds like something a computer would do" She wasn't wrong She usually isn't Plz fix. Thx. Sent from my iPhone

@greg16676935420 @Kalshi Especially if the utensil being used was rusty or if they use spoons because well as I heard reliably from a movie it would hurt more.

@Kalshi Terrible idea. Meta has almost 100,000 employees so if they cut 20,000 of them the hospitals will be overrun. Especially if they’re planning on cutting them in places where they’ll need stitches or even worse, surgery

JUST IN: JPMorgan says Meta could save $5 billion per year by cutting 20% of employees