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@animalologist man and here i was thinking about how i missed five dollar footlongs

Got $5 off a $16 sandwich. Hell yeah. Deal! $11 sandwich aint bad. Not bad at all, in fact. It’s incredibly fucking good. Delicious. I should have known. It was a trap. I’m going to spend $16 on a sandwich. This is the foot in the door phenomenon and I’m a fool.

@Polymarket it’s probably the best time to buy right now bc prices will go right back up when zoomettes start demanding blood diamonds

BREAKING: The price of diamonds has crashed to its lowest level this century.

i love how girls call it an investment when they rly want you to buy them something

@lillybilly299 sometimes i choke on my spit man 😔

I'm making a "no tears" rule for coughing. If you're hacking up a lung and I don't hear even a single drop of phlegm, I'm calling bullshit. Faker. Public nuisance.

Coughing is so performative. Like ooooh I have a little tingle in my throat, everyone needs to hear about this, bitch shut UP

preparing for fatherhood by drinking every day. i already know sleep deprivation is gonna hit just as hard if not worse

@lillybilly299 maybe theyre being mean in a way you cant perceive

I hate when people I don't like are randomly nice to me, makes me feel like an asshole

@FangYi11101 :p xD f3

@askmetmrw or the best virtue signaler on hinge

@edgyjson Wow this might be the most boyfriend post of all time

sometimes i see a girl post a bouquet that’s 90% filler and i just wanna pat bro on the back for getting away with doing so little

gettin a girl a dyson doesnt mean what it used to mean anymore

@ATR3lDES yep ✅

no, hope this helps ❤️

@CultureCrave actually im okay w him winning the oscar now

Michael B. Jordan was asked to name his favorite movie 🎞️ "Princess Mononoke"

@esotericpawg congrats!!! 🥳🥳🥳

Good pregnant morning

@doubtpointv2 putting the tom cruise pillow over his face >>>

Sharing a twin sized bed with a 6ft man >>> #Europe

@cookiecarver 1 is all u need . i have an aloe too btw :)

i bought a plant today. it’s an aloe vera. used to have one back home. it was tiny at the start and grew to be an absolute unit. hoping to do the same here. gonna keep it in my room so my housemate doesn't "accidentally" kill it how many more plants do i need to be a plant guy??

@strawheart69 @thedimitri he stays unemployed to keep his testosterone high !!! you wouldnt understand !!!

@thedimitri Get a job. Loser.

a crush will do more for your discipline than a therapist ever could

@imsopopu1ar yep

Do you guys think a 25 year old and 29 year old can be in love

@savvypleb okay sorry 🥺 hope u didnt take anything personally

i don’t think we should make fun of chronically online people because how is your life so bleak you seek happiness through a screen. it’s sad do not make fun of them

man i feel like covid absolutely destroyed marvel. i wonder where we’d be today if it never happened. sad

@aweII219II @thedimitri yeah sometimes i imagine what it's like to be a dimitri egirl. the way he slobbers and dribbles as he leaves that slug slime all over her body

Every woman who hates you is just a couple conversations away from a steamy romance