Alastair Craig 📸📝

@Glinner Surely this can’t be the life you want for yourself?

Next Thursday and Friday I'll be in town to appeal my charge for throwing young Tarquin's phone. Do come along! Southwark Crown Court

@LeeHurstComic Always on the wrong side of everything. He wouldn’t be standing trial if she had said it was consensual. There’s dense, then there’s Lee

I’m not a fan of Russell Brand at all, but people claiming he raped a 16 year old, when it was consensual, are either posting for likes or are wholly ignorant of the age of consent in the UK. Either way, not a good look.

@CamillaTominey Would you tackle criminals who may react God knows how for minimum wage? No, nor me

Why are supermarkets sacking staff who tackle shoplifters rather than tackling shoplifters?

@rcuffy Don’t ever do this: ~ Wow, you look beautiful, really suits you! ~ She’d double booked so I’m going back on Friday

Linda was at the hairdressers for 4 hours. When she got back I nodded approvingly, smiled and said ‘I really like it’ Linda said ‘thank you’ I have no idea what she’s had done. Years of practice You’re welcome lads

@Mike_Fabricant You are so thick it’s painful to think about the decisions you influenced as an MP. Thankfully, no longer

Enjoy these traditional labels while you can. #Starmer is signing us up to #EU regulations which say only the Portuguese can use the word “Marmalade” alone.

@London_W4 Can you moor anywhere in the Thames area or do you have restrictions? Sounds like a wonderful arrangement! Cheers 🍻

The walk home tonight. I can see my boat from here. It’s more picturesque here than where I lived this morning.

If you actually enjoy drinking beer (aren’t gay), the solo pint for a man will make any day a good day. Can be 5, 10, 15 (even 20 if you’re a soft lad) minutes of pure peace. Sometimes it’s thinking bad stuff, sometimes it’s good stuff. But it’s peaceful.

@elonmusk Smoking is really cool kids! Jesus

It’s fun and super easy to use!

@GraemeBandeira 100% accurate and beyond improvement 🍻

My top five favourite pints: 1. Airport pint. Out of office on. The first of the holiday 🍺 2. Balcony pint on holiday while Mrs Bandy gets ready. Take yer time luv 🍺 3. Hotel bar pint while you “get your bearings” 🍺 4. Sunday pint with the dog 🍺 5. Train pint or can 🍺

@CharlieM_OBE Those buttons are working well above their pay grade

To all the comments on my shirt 🤣

@London_W4 I’m fairly sure you can carry this in hand baggage now in the EU

And now the hardest part of the holiday; having to give this lovely bottle of wine away. The hotel gave it to me as a gift and I didn’t get time to drink it, so the taxi driver will get a nice present at the airport.

Saturday is the only true weekend day, Friday is a whole ass work day and Sunday is giving pre-monday vibes, We have really been scammed, tricked, hoodwink, mislead, deceived!!!

@Eyeswideopen69 And why the question mark after “Explain the errors in my sentence” if we’re being really picky

The “Brains of Britain First” this one…

@GoodwinMJ Huge numbers? I’ve seen more people in my local chippy on a Friday night!

Long day. Huge numbers. Thank you to everybody who helped us today. We are on target.

@iamtomskinner @WarrenBrodie @reformparty_uk @Nigel_Farage I ain’t a political bloke. Bosh!

@WarrenBrodie @reformparty_uk @Nigel_Farage Bosh❤️

Great day at @reformparty_uk HQ 🇬🇧🇬🇧 @Nigel_Farage @iamtomskinner

My column on Brooklyn Beckham’s bombshell theguardian.com/commentisfree/…

@tomhfh And how will this affect you, exactly?

Number 10 this year confirmed it has cancelled afternoon lobby briefings with journalists. This halves journalists' access to government. Now ministers genuinely entertain the idea of banning twitter dot com. I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe.

@thecarolemalone It’s a fake video, generated by AI for God’s sake. Are you taken in my literally everything you seen on X? You never learn

Who does this to a puppy for God’s sake. Thank God for this man

@LozzaFox @calvinrobinson Honestly what becomes of people like these two? I mean in 20 years, what on Earth will they be doing? Their desperate grifting can’t last forever

Two far right extremists just shooting the breeze. @calvinrobinson

@LozzaFox What a dump. Ever thought about tidying up?

The babies want to jump, but mummy wants to hump.