Stuff My Brain Thinks...

Dateline victims are always "the nicest, happiest" people. That's why I play it safe by being an absolute nightmare to everyone at all times. #Dateline

@_wej01 Guy after YOU left...

Last night I was at a party and I got stuck with the least interesting person in the room. You know the person you don’t wanna be stuck hanging out with at a fun party? Anyway, I thought I’d just be honest and so I said “hey sorry mind if I go chat with some other people?” and he said “oh sure no worries”...

@DiscussingFilm Breaking: "In a world filled with war, poverty, soaring prices, crime, etc...people can rest easy knowing the La La Land poster has been corrected. Whew!

The ‘LA LA LAND’ poster has been officially updated to fix Ryan Gosling's hand. This new version will be the film’s official poster going forward.

Dear @TheView @ABC Why do viewers want Sunny Hostin gone? In Sunny's own stolen words: "No one is above the law. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." #TheView #ByeByeSunny

@nypost "That'll show 'em. I'm so proud of you, girl." - Ghost of Susan B. Anthony

Charlie Sheen’s daughter Sami says dad ‘hasn’t given me a dime’ — touts supporting herself with OnlyFans: ‘Go subscribe’ trib.al/EYIIbQ5

@6ixbuzztv You don't "swim" in Niagara Falls. You thrash around, poop yourself a little & rethink life choices. But spoiler alert...the dude survived! Grim Reaper: "Damn, Darwin is gonna be pissed."

A man was filmed swimming in Niagara Falls 😳

@nypost Somebody get Jennifer Lopez a drink. Poor girl is always so thirsty! #JenniferLopez #TMZ #Wimbledon

Was Jennifer Lopez wrong to wear a giant hat at Wimbledon? trib.al/0fB0sDn

@nypost This must be the cover story for 'No Sh*t, Sherlock' magazine.

Brian Austin Green admits his marriage to ex Megan Fox was led by ‘physical attraction’ trib.al/GP5uFqw

@TaraBull "Just let me take my shirt off incase Baywatch casting directors are around." - This Dude

Hot tub at the beach gone wrong

@SDajd4 @THR "who GOT to be Johnny & who HAD to be Roy" made me laugh. Like who ever wanted to be Jon instead of Ponch when recreating CHiPs? 😄 #RIP #RandolphMantooth

@THR Huge part of my childhood. Friend and I aways played Emergency and we always argued who got to be Johnny and who had to be Roy. Had the Squad 51 helmets and medical box kit. RIP KMG365.

Randolph Mantooth, Firefighter-Paramedic Johnny Gage on ‘Emergency!,’ Dies at 80 hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/ran…

@EndWokeness "Sorry, lady. All I asked was if you wanted gravy on the French fries. I'll take that as a no."

Hollywood star Jenifer Lewis tears up as she claims whites are now killing black children (completely false)

@creepydotorg "Leave shy non-attention seeking girl alone!"

After being criticized for wearing a skirt too short to attract male attention, a Chinese esports host responded in the most sarcastic way possible. On her next broadcast, she appeared completely covered from head to toe in a black bodysuit, black gloves, stockings, and black face paint.

@InsideLucysHead We'll try & move on in your absence. #Canada

Expat moving to Canada... August 12, We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow. October 14, Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colours and shades of yellow and orange. I drove across the country and saw deer. They are so graceful. These are the most beautiful animals in the world. This must be paradise. I love Canada. November 11, Remembrance Day (Canada's national holiday). Deer hunting will begin soon. I cannot imagine how someone could kill such a beautiful animal. I hope that it will snow soon. It's so beautiful. December 2, Tonight we got the first snow. I got up and saw all covered with a white blanket. It looks like a beautiful postcard. We went outside, cleaned up the stairs and driveway, then had a snowball fight (I won). When the snowplough passed by, we had to re-clean the gate. What a great country. I love Canada. December 12, Tonight, snow again. Again, the snowplough passed by and buried the gate. Here it is so beautiful. December 19, Tonight, snow again. I could not get the car out to go to work. It's really wonderful, just a little tired of shovelling. Again, f**** snowplough. December 22, This white shit was falling all last night. I got blisters from shovelling, and my back aches. This monkey with a snowplough is waiting around the corner for me to clean up at the gate. What an asshole. December 25, Merry Christmas. Again, crappy snow. If I ever get my hands on the asshole who drives a snowplough, I'll kill him. Mother f***** why don’t they sprinkle more salt on the road so it dissolves faster? December 27, Tonight, snow again. I have not been out for three days except when I clean the snow after the snowplough passes. I cannot go anywhere, the car got stuck in the mountains, the snow is in front of the gate, and it's cold. They say that tonight we will get another 30 cm of that shit. December 28, The weather prognosis was bad. It fell half a meter. At this rate, it will not melt until summer. The snowplough is stuck, and that asshole came to me to ask for a shovel. I told him that I had already broken six shovels cleaning that shit from the doorsteps as he tossed it, and I almost broke the shovel on his head. January 4, I am finally out of the house. I went to the store to buy some food, and when I returned the car, I hit a deer. $ 3,000 damage to the car. That f**** beast should be killed. They're everywhere. Why were they not killed by hunters in autumn ... May 3, I drove the car to the mechanic. It's amazing how rusty it is from the f**** salt sprinkled everywhere. May 10, I'm moving to Florida. I cannot imagine why a normal person would want to live in f****** Canada.

@usludurkizim Weird. You posted this tweet below yesterday. So either you're a clickbait liar or you & your "husband" live in a Leper Colony.

@Avabelly__ Either you've neglected to clean up after your dog numerous times or you've been walking a dinosaur! That bag is massive.

To the neighbor who picked up my dog’s poop… just to bring it over and leave it on my doorstep—what exactly was the goal here? I woke up this morning and there it was, sitting on my welcome mat like some kind of message. Checked my porch camera, and sure enough—you walked over, dropped it off, and left. I get it. Nobody likes finding dog poop in their yard. But how does trespassing onto someone else’s property and dumping it on their doorstep make that better? That’s not solving anything—that’s just turning a small issue into something way more hostile than it needed to be. Dogs go outside. That’s normal. I clean up after mine whenever I can, but it’s not realistic to catch every single moment instantly. If it bothered you that much, you could’ve just talked to me. Like an adult. Instead, you chose this. Don’t come onto my property again. Because next time, I won’t just be annoyed—I’ll be taking it further

@LauraRiggaro It's like she looked at a bunch of pics at her plastic surgeon's office & said "give me a combination of every BEFORE photo."

I didn’t even recognize Susan Dell! Ladies, please, if you are with a man that makes you feel bad enough that you need to go to these extremes PLEASE don’t get rid of your entire face GET RID OF THE FKG MAN! RUN!

@ClownWorld Don't let his cousin in either...

What did bro do? 😭😆

@TMZ @TMZLive "Next up, we'll tell you everything we got wrong about the Nancy Guthrie case when we read 4 fake ransom notes, wasted everyone's time & potentially slowed down the search. Stay tuned."

Today on @TMZLive ... Taylor Swift got over on the media... we're going to tell you everything we got wrong. Tune in at 10:30am PT.

@Azariel91 "I could listen to this narrator's soothing voice all day." - Nobody, ever

Watch negotiation at the yard sale got awkward real quick 😂 ‘Here?’ ‘That?’ ‘Um…’ ‘Like…’ ‘Them

@nypost Meghan Markle: "Those photos don't bother me at all. Not one bit. Nope, I'm not crazy, they're crazy. Right, invisible plant friend?"

Kate Middleton shows off new photos posing with all three kids — including a surprisingly tall Prince George trib.al/Mkyyt53

@604RAW Me: "Man, I love all this futuristic technology!" Me, 12 seconds later:

B.C. Tesla driver spotted passed out at the wheel including all the passengers 👀