BlocksAway

There's a Rat in my..... youtube.com/watch?v=NFWTGO…

@fesshole You not believe just how much I’ve splashed out on porn….

I now watch more porn than I ever did because of the Online Safety Act. If you're going to make me pay for a VPN. I'm getting my money's worth.

@atensnut 1) Jackie. She could have done better, but kind of causally took it for what it was. Perfect. Certainly not trying too hard and not over the top.

Who performed it better??

@notcapnamerica This guy gives me hope for the future. Massive respect for his parents for bringing up a true gentleman. I hope he succeeds in everything his wishes to.

I swear I’m not crying

@fesshole Someone’s taking the piss…

Took a drug test for a job, haven't heard anything. Bleary eyed this morning I received a bill from the service. Apparently my neighbour has chlamydia.

@HeartInternet Emails are still not being received, nor can we send them.

@BlocksAway Hi, I am very sorry to hear you are having issues accessing your account. If not already please forward your email to accountrecovery@heartinternet.uk and I will contact the team to keep an eye out to assist asap. Regards, Ben

@HeartInternet My account is inaccessible, my emails are not working, seems to have been the case for 3 months! So I cannot reset my password, or use live support. Yet you manage to take my money?? I have emailed from an alternative email account. Yet no response! Poor!

@fesshole That’s criminal, there’s a maximum temp of effluent that is legal.

My skid marks are that bad that I regularly need to pour boiled kettle water down the toilet to get rid of them.

@fesshole Hmmm…. Very few churches actually have toilets…

Just walked into a lovely seaside town church and strolled reverently around. Then nipped into their tiny toilet and blocked it with a monstrous shit. Felt so bad I donated a tenner on my way out.

@fesshole That’s ok, I’m dicklextic

Every day you'll find something different written in biro on my penis

@fesshole I write “ I will kill again”

@fesshole As a drainman, for 20 years, I still get excited when I unblock, it’s very satisfying!!

There is nothing more satisfying than the whoosh of water when a toilet you blocked suddenly unblocks itself and empties in one big flush. I sometimes block a toilet on purpose just to experience it.

@fesshole They were all repeats

To get a promotion I started making cool films for work. I learned how to do this by editing the old sexy home movies me and the missus used to make into proper porno films, with credits and music and everything. They're really good too but I can't show them to anyone.

@fesshole Until today… I thought there was just the one Bernard!

I used to get confused between Bernard Matthew's and Bernard Manning. For years I though it was weird that no one else though it was odd that a sweary comedian sold turkey in breadcrumbs.

@fesshole I do the same.. it’s more efficient… it is NOT lazy!!

I'm so lazy that sometimes I will just check my phone to see if it is raining rather than get up and look out the window.

@fesshole My life hack on this. Recount your 13 Times table.. once 13 is 13, two 13’s are 26, three thirteens… ah shit I just wet the bed! It really works!

I used to have a shy bladder as a young man. One of the advantages of now being an old git is that when you've got to pee, you've got to pee, there is no hanging about. Of course, this also has its disadvantages

@rustyrockets If voting made a difference, they wouldn’t let us do it!

Politics now is radically different.

@awelshrose Now he just needs to donate his kidneys, heart and lungs.

😂 why would a 'happily married man' of nearly 20 years take an HIV test 🤔

@fesshole You pen and ink!

About seven or eight years ago, I put a pen up my bum to see what it was like. I still don't think I've managed to shit the lid back out.

@fesshole Gonzo, but with hairy eyes… is much funnier!

I do "sexy" penis dances for my wife. Basically I just swing it around a bit in the middle of a clothes change. She always laughs, but she's never shown the slightest hint of arousal from it. I should probably stop, right?

@fesshole I once ran through a field of wheat….

I dropped a glass bottle of HP Sauce in Home Bargains and it smashed. I didn't tell anyone about it, I just walked away briskly. Sorry about that.