Dead Pan Nick

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don't count.

It is an insult to my depression that something as simple as a walk could ever be the answer.

@RadioMoser I am an Avs fan but Vegas is legendary as expansion teams go. No sport has produced a more elite, more obnoxious, instant contender. They are brand new and yet their impact has been so noteworthy that the NHL would feel hollow without them.

Feels like the Avs are going to have some allies around the league in the Western Conference Final. Seems their opponent has sorta worn people around the league a little thin since their inception. #GoAvsGo

Seven largish toads appeared on my small deck, and as I was counting them, an eighth and ninth. I'm not surprised; it's a sanctuary deck.

Central Park is great, but it takes up a lot of space and isn’t utilized to its full potential. That’s why I worked with McKinsey on a plan to make it a state of the art data center, complemented by rooftop parking and nuclear power. We can still build beautiful things.

You’re standing on a planet with molten lava at its core. Trees are turning sunlight into air you can breathe. Your heart is beating without you asking it to. There’s a moon in the sky and bugs that glow. This whole thing is absurdly beautiful. Don’t forget to notice it.

Classic Family Photos...

new favorite map just dropped

I don't care if the book is better than the movie. [takes your face in my hands] They are entirely different media.

Something interesting you might not have realized: A number of words in English are NOUNS when you stress the FIRST syllable... But VERBS when you stress the SECOND syllable. -SUSpect/susPECT -CONflict/conFLICT -PROtest/proTEST -CONvert/conVERT

90s TV shows had such a weird way of driving a point home.

One of the first symptoms of the hantavirus is a hardening of the nails called Hanta Claws.

@AllbrightNFL @CollegeFBPortal @VanityFair Growth! What a concept.

@CollegeFBPortal @VanityFair So he was completely comfortable taking the job and keeping it for several years until another university with more funding came along and offered more money, then he grew this supposed conscience?

NEW: Lane Kiffin reportedly left Ole Miss because families were uncomfortable with Oxford’s racial history and lack of diversity… Kiffin took issue with symbols like the Confederate flag, Colonel Rebel, and the nickname "Ole Miss" itself. Via (@VanityFair)

When Elon bought Twitter he slashed maternal leave to just two weeks. Two weeks.

Hantas gonna hant

Not one joke from SNL about the Vrabel - Russini scandal that’s been going on for 4+ weeks? Good point from Patrick_a_makin

Politicians and journalists massively overindex the importance of air travel to American life

@ShowCaseShabazz Offenbach Barcarolle, by Carol Bove, 1971

Steve Harvey: Name something that shoots out your penis Me: Hmm I’m gonna say cum, Steve Steve Harvey: What’s wrong with you?

Watching your girl dispute a room charge with the front desk