The Cooper and Anthony Show

UPS be like 1. We have no idea where your package is 2. You missed your delivery we gave it to your post office go there

3am ME: I’m exhausted. I’m going to sleep 3:05am MY BRAIN: Remember that thing from five years ago that turned out to be nothing? Let’s re-examine every aspect of it like a forensic pathologist

Friend: these are my twin boys, Jacob and Leonard Me: … Friend: … Me: Do they shed?

It’s ok. We can be friends from afar. I’m really not that interested in being aclose

Me on my way to tell my boyfriend he’s wrong

What’s it called when you participate in your community wide garage sale and most of the clothes your wife is selling still has the original tags on them? I’m that.

How much do you think it would cost to get Johnny Depp to sob at my funeral?

Nobody: Me pre-coffee: I tried to date a guy who worked the Cyclone at Coney Island but the relationship was too much of a roller coaster

Warning to future detectives. I have one of those jokey dentists who’s gonna say something like “Tooth pics or it didn’t happen, amiright??” while he identifies my remains

*My oldest turned 9 and my 6yo was sad* Me: Why are you sad? 6yo: I want to be older. 9yo: Why do you want to be older? Do you want to look like dad?

@DarthDad72 Ha! No, it's me. He'd do it tomorrow. If you can give me one good reason to get married, we'll do it

The last thing you bought on Amazon is your weapon in battle... open.spotify.com/episode/3Fv45X…

We turned the clocks back so far The Beatles have the No. 1 song!

I’ve muted so many people here it’s just me and a couple of weirdos from Denmark.

The Cooper and Anthony Show sounds a little something like this: soundcloud.com/cooper-lawrenc…

Video killed the radio star. Talkies killed the silent star. What’s it going to take to kill the influencer?

If I'm being honest, I did think "Golden Bachelor" was a kink reference. But this is good too.

When I say I’m “up for anything” I mean nothing before noon, no more than 10 blocks from my apartment and if it’s too hot there I’m just gonna go home and eat cereal on my couch

I put some spot remover on our dog, Spot, and now I can't find him anywhere.

Spending time with my 7yo niece has taught me that children are like Velociraptors. They become scarier when you know they can open doors.