Cooper Lawrence

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

Boyfriend: Fun fact, there are no canaries on Canary Island Me: what about the Virgin Islands? Boyfriend: nope, no canaries there either

@Camel_Crushin If you also mute “political” they add baby donkeys too

I muted BREAKING and now my timeline is filled with cute puppies and capybaras. I needed this.

@DocAtCDI I play zero golf. I win

Technically the overall goal of golf... is to play less golf...

@treydayway Ours was premium crackers and jelly. You got three and no more

Everything is too expensive so I'm bringing back poverty meals from my childhood. Time for some syrup sandwiches

Irish goodbye: leaving without saying goodbye. Twitter goodbye: leaving and coming back in two minutes.

I'm going to start a vibrator repair service, and call it... Inspect Her Gadget...

Oh to be a bird in a tree chirping happily and not a human who needs ibuprofen and a nap.

My boyfriend couldn’t think of the word “socks”, so he called them “feet gloves” and now I never wanna call them anything else

@JebTheJarhead @DBStoner 🤣

@CooperLawrence @DBStoner

Found my boyfriend’s Tinder profile. He’s such a liar, first of all he hates long walks on the beach and second, that shirtless bathroom selfie is of me

@B_and_B93 Thank yooooo

@CooperLawrence 🤣🤣🤣🤣

My A.I. girlfriend made some cookies for me. I had to click to accept them.

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles don't do anything and they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

A farmer who owned 67 sheep asked me to round them up. I said: Sure. 70.

I tried to be polite today and held the door open for a lady... She yelled, 'I'm peeing in here!

Whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now

Boyfriend texts: don’t eat anything fatty Me: awww thanks for caring about my health, babe Boyfriend: sorry, missed the comma. I meant “don’t eat anything, fatty”

The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say “I already told you that.” Whether you did or not, he’ll never know the difference.

My neighborhood has been taken over by Heck’s Angels.

Friday Me: I should probably clean out my car this weekend. Sunday Me: I should probably clean out my car next weekend.