CaptainLanguid

@Adventurerulez @cnviolations Name them

@cnviolations This community note is literqlly impossible to be true. Of course there are girls who borrow each others underwear. Like, to sit here and try to make an affirmative statement like that is insane. Theres also guys who borrow each others underwear too.

@akpat786 @fesshole I'm not sure you've completely understood this

When buying broccoli in the supermarket I always snap off the stalk. I'm not paying for something I chuck in the bin.

@LizCGil She said she edited it

@MoreHockeyStuff @BadMedicalTakes No, he used chromosomes to clarify what he means by men and women

@BadMedicalTakes So he wants to use chromosomes via a blood test to determine what bathrooms people should use?

@xoxoRoeTheHoe @BadMedicalTakes They know

The set up rating stream was really fun, lets rate your bedroom this time! Send in photos of your room here and I'll rate it on stream tonight 😊

@5tevieM Yes, but not when I'm not high

Do you ever get an itch that, when you scratch it, it doesn’t work and feels like you’re itching the wrong place and the itch is possibly hiding. Does this make sense

@OwenJones84 @5tevieM I dont think literally means what you think it means

@5tevieM Omg literally me in Argos today

buying lightbulbs.

@5tevieM My flat has gradually been getting darker over the last 5 years as the spotlight bulbs die. Never to be replaced

@gemmajo16860172 @TheSun Yes she is

@TheSun She is not our queen

On today's front page: Queen Camilla to jet off on holiday as she takes break after holding fort since King’s diagnosis thesun.co.uk/royals/2631586…

@EliManning I'm guessing it was drew brees

I almost completely agree with this list. One guy should not be included, though. I will give you a hint… he tried to give me a swirly when I was 8 years old!!!

@JustinBGalloway @Kassandra_Zerb @exxster @Talldarkfriend Its impressive if someone can get it over your head

@Kassandra_Zerb @exxster @Talldarkfriend What is “pee-away”? Totally went over my head.

The only difference between YOU and ME is if we shared a bottle of wine, eventually, you'd have to pop to the loo for a quick wazz. I'd have to pop to the loo for a quick civil rights issue.

@katemagdziuk Wow, you Americans really will use anything to avoid the metric system

I'm 1.62 washing machines tall

@BallBlastEm Do you think he realises this is pointing at his own name?

Men who don’t like Taylor swift + this dude = same dude. All I had to do was mention that men were threatened because some women started liking football because of Taylor swift, and this dude couldn’t handle it 😅

@RedNiche987 @GaryLineker @RestIsFootball Football

@GaryLineker @RestIsFootball What is being discussed today?

Just recorded a new episode of @RestIsFootball. Will be with you this afternoon. 👍🏻

@iamyesyouareno Snowflake

At some train stations in the UK, the English language is being replaced by another foreign language. But of course it’s all just a conspiracy theory.

@fraac1 @BoatmanCryptics @GraemeGarden1 @guardian He got better though

The lovely @GraemeGarden1 is getting to grips with my books. Each book has 50 fiendish #crosswords from the @guardian and the stories behind them, with lots of extras, including puzzles previously not seen in print. All booksellers, or signed copies from boatmancryptics.co.uk/crossword-book…

@fmcke01 @NoContextBrits No, its Gary Oldman

@NoContextBrits Is that Mo from eastenders .

I’ll never get over the fact that these are brother and sister.

@I_Le_Android @mtylermartin @InternetH0F What?

@CptLanguid @mtylermartin @InternetH0F Wouldn't need to move the dates much. Polio vaccine was released in the 50s.

@mtylermartin @InternetH0F Only if you didn't get polio in childhood

@InternetH0F 20 in 1967 = being drafted to go to Nam