Dad is Teaching 👨‍🏫

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but if the world ever ends, if society collapses, or the nukes go off... my experience as a parent tells me that this tragedy will take place immediately after I try to sit down on the couch with a cup of coffee.

@MomOf2Happas 😂😂

Me in 2002: Wow this Lil John song is dope. I’ve never heard anything like this before. Me in 2023: When my 6 year olds yell “YEAH” or “OKAYY” I suddenly want to see how far it is from the window to the wall.

6yo: I’m going to eat your snacks Me: No you’re not I can see you, and you’re not that sneaky 6: ok I’ll just wait until you’re pooping because I’ll have plenty of time

QUICK QUESTION: Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake" It's for a work email, so has to sound professional.

I really envy how kids can just randomly yell “I HAVE TO POOP!” and run out of the room, an everyone’s just like “good for them knowing their body”

I'm taking some of my students to Asia for spring break. I met with parents tonight to give updates. Here are some of their questions: *Can students bring phones? *Will students sleep in beds? *Will you hold my child's money? *Can my child explore on their own? 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

@wanderingpram Right?!?

@DadisGrumpy And are now kicking themselves for not prepping better

Every time I watch a zombie show I wonder how many of the survivors in the zombie outbreak also watched zombie shows before the outbreak.

The silent treatment is a normalized form of emotional abuse. Part of maturing is learning how to communicate, rather than using silence as punishment.

WHY THE FUCK DOES A 6 YEAR OLD HAVE ACCESS TO A GUN

@bertkreischer Capoeira - Brazilian dance- martial arts

What should I do for my January fitness challenge

My 6 year old just put gingerbread house frosting on her finger and rubbed it on her gums like a coke addict

Dear @wsdot - for Christmas this year, please make the Montlake/520 intersection not horrible, but I’d settle for peace on earth since that seems more achievable. Thanks! 🎄

“Going to Disneyland is like the parenting Olympics except there are no winners or awards” -My wife, as we’re leaving Disneyland

The push to universalize phone chargers is great, but how about a universal straw size for reusable kids cups? Parents?!? Who’s with me?!?

Seattle: OH MY GOD THE AQI IS SO HIGH THE SMOKE IS GOING TO KILL US ALL Also Seattle: …but we’re good at baseball right now so who cares?!? Woooooooooo!!! #Mariners

@notmythirdrodeo @adamgreattweet

I bought a fancy egg container for my fridge. It holds…14 eggs. 14. why?

@OhioMomoftwo Maybe it doubles as dish soap

@DadisGrumpy Right?

Let's see...how can we make pancake syrup MORE artificial? Ooh! Here we go!

@DadisGrumpy I feel this every day. They won't eat it without bread, but they only eat the meat. I'm so done.

My 6 year old just asked for a turkey sandwich, then took the sandwich that I made for her, peeled all the turkey off of it, balled the meat up in her hand, and is eating it the ball of turkey meat like an apple. So to answer your question, yesit’s a normal day with 6 year olds