Snooby

I acted very stupidly and obnoxiously in front of some people I really like who I haven't seen in a long time this weekend and my cat is pretty sick and the best guarantee the vet could give me is she'll "probably" be okay

Finally got around to uninstalling ubereats because I got very angry that its bullshit sale notifications have the same vibration pattern as a text from a real person

Full honesty here: I made a deal with the devil where he gets Chuck Norris's soul in exchange for everyone getting to have a good weekend. If you're seriously gonna get mad at me, sorry for wanting everyone to have a good weekend I guess

Filing for disability because I can't do the hand slide part of a dap

Happened again.

Pornography (Porn-ogg-rah-fee) was invented by David Pornography, who was trying to think of something he could look at while he jerked off. [1]

Shitting my pants at the library #itslegal

The Tesla coil was invented by Nicola Tesla. The Heimlich Maneuver was invented by Henry Heimlich. Cumming was invented by a caveman named Cum

@rishi__veda I've been telling everyone I can about it, I got my dad to listen to Lemon Pound Cake and everything

this afroman stuff is where the action is man

@ziggykazenzakis ❌

The Japanese are bad at making video games

@itsIegal They were yours, and I don't think you would send me to prison

@DoBiddley1 depends whose leaves they were

Eating a lot of leaves off of the ground

@itsIegal It's legal either way.

@DoBiddley1 you're just going to puke it up on the rug

@STRONG_PlSS They should switch the colours

Coke Zero should come in gold cans like caffeine free Diet Coke. I would like that.

@exMalwa Homer is a negligent, abusive moron who should be dead in a ditch somewhere and most of my clothes have sleeves. I'm wearing a shirt with sleeves on it right now

@DoBiddley1 Homer is a good man and you don't have any sleeves

This is one of the funniest fight scenes in history but that aside it's a shame that worthless pig Homer didn't get beaten to death here.

I've always been a little more advanced than other people, by the time everyone else in grade 11 was going out getting their drivers license, I was already old enough to start going to bars

@realsubtle (talking to a 500 year old) Hell I know this one girl Vivian, she's 1000 years old. And she's not even as old as this guy I know who's 10000 years old. He told me he's gonna get even older too

100 years old is practically a baby to me... for i am one thousand years old. And im stll young by my standards!

I'm finally gonna have my own place again in a couple months and the first thing the FIRST thing I'm gonna do once I'm moved in is I'm gonna get mildly crossfaded and sit on MY couch in MY living room and watch MANDY I can't WAIT MAN I CANT WAIT

Gluing my hands together on purpose and then panicking about it and calling for help and then shoving and kicking at anybody who tries to help me pry them apart because I'm panicking too much