DrNotMrs

@ass_deans There is no VP for “Product” Quality Control because quality is not a strategic concern. The products are the diplomas (which look nice already!) — not the routine cheaters and half-literate communication majors we are sending into the workplace.

If our customers complain their classes are too hard, we fire professors. That’s why we get paid the big money! To make our customers… I mean students…. happy!

@ass_deans Aren't your customers the corporations who buy..er..hire your product..er..graduates?

@AcademicDad It might be new to you. I’m a woman and marginalized for reasons I’d rather not disclose. Students have behaved that way toward me since Day 1. I’d like to quit, too, and yet I’ve been in academia for over a decade. Can’t afford to quit for financial and time-flexibility reasons.

Not sure if it's me, them, or me X them, but behavioral norms have changed. Students come late and leave early; don't follow my requests on when & how to communicate with me; get frustrated and angry at me easily (never exp'd either b4). Not sure what to do but I'd like to quit.

@ass_deans Yeah, but storks are going extinct because humans keep destroying the (flat) planet. The regents won’t like any talk about climate change, etc. We need a 2030 strategic plan to intelligently design a plausible story about where babies come from and what happened to the storks.

We have an update. Please also refrain from referring to the earth as round (some of our regents are flat earthers) and if you must talk about child birth remember babies are brought by a stork. Thanks!

We’ve replaced the student instructional evaluations with Yelp! Reviews

Hmmmm.... rateyourcampusadmin.com I looking at you, @ass_deans

@ass_deans Of course, that makes sense! Our grads will be perfectly prepared for the workplace. The unfit faculty who burn out will be replaced by desperate adjuncts living on food stamps. And our pyramid scheme of pumping out diplomas for all paying customers will never fail!

As we start a new semester, please remember time under tension turns coal into diamonds! But we only mean this for faculty and staff, students should have 0 time under tension.

@ass_deans And if I do volunteer, you also won’t remember—especially when it comes to promotion and tenure. I’d be doing it only for the free junk food. Awesome!

Remember, free Chick-Fil-A Minis if you help with freshman move-in! And if you don’t volunteer? We’ll remember.

@ass_deans Can we do that at the faculty retreat, too? Or are we sticking to the usual — a Title IX investigation cosplay? It’s been so effective at mitigating the dirty-old-man issue in our college!

We will be playing ‘Cancel Words’ as an ice-breaker for new faculty orientation.

@ass_deans Has the administration considered getting away with student evaluations because they are (a) stupid, (b) do not measure teaching success, and (c) terrible for faculty morale? Let me guess… no. Teenagers’ feedback is free, after all. #AcademicTwitter

Dear colleagues, sorry to ruin your day. Just a gentle reminder. Mark you calendars. Live the next month in dread of what’s to come #AcademicTwitter #academia

@gg_basaran I use Dropbox. It has an annual fee, but it’s better to have your personal backup account that never goes away than to rely on whatever backup platform your current institution provides.

Dear #AcademicTwitter how do you backup your work? After 1 year as a PhD student I feel like it's time I find a good backup solution... 👉👈 #PhDvoice #AcademicChatter #phdlife

@ass_deans Are you sure the quote wasn’t “neurotic dictator”?

You say that the dean is “a charming bureaucrat” like that’s a bad thing?

We didn’t hire you to discover the truth, find meaning, or make the world a better place with your research. We hired you to get grants with overhead that returns to the college!

That Friday feeling be like…

@ass_deans If the provost has any guts left, here is the only apt response to the legislature

The provost will fund more political science lines, contingent on teaching that America is a Republic, not a Democracy (It’s in the legislature’s ‘oversite guidance’ to the Regents)

Sometimes it’s not you, it’s them 🙄😂😭 #academia

@ChairMartyr Better than being asked to do reference checks for someone who is not the administration’s “preferred candidate,” and then you end up hearing truly awesome things about that person you know your university is never going to hire…

Saw this on another social media account and had to steal/share. I feel like many of us in academia can relate. @AcademicChatter #AcademicTwitter

The tombstone of an Italian “teaching professor,” circa 1340. Do you think he got any nasty student comments in his evals? #academictwitter #phd