Evan

If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

It seemed like, every week of the Trump administration, they announced that the government is going to stop funding something horrible or absurd, and I have to act shocked that the government was doing something horrible and absurd.

Liberals blame things on President Trump the way my mother used to say, “it’s ’cause you’re always on that damn phone.”

@joeroganhq Fuck this asshole.

"People by choosing not to get a [COVID] vaccine, basically chose their own death."

@joeroganhq I'm so tired of this sanctimonious clown.

Jimmy Kimmel: "My country’s president would like to shut me up because I don’t adore him in the way he likes to be adored."

It's crazy to think that the movie "Scream" wouldn't work anymore, since it requires someone to answer a call from a number they don't recognize.

I just discovered that a tone-deaf tech company released remote meeting software called “Kafka.” Finally, a product that accurately describes the experience.

@AntiLeftMemes I'd rather not have a Mark Ruffalo.

Mark Ruffalo says that Americans should NOT have a 2nd amendment. What is your response to Mark Ruffalo?

@harryjsisson @HannahDCox Shut up, psyop.

All of the Republicans using the WHCD shooting to promote Trump’s ballroom are just straight up weird man

Why is no one in the media discussing the fact that President Trump clearly has ADHD? They’re like, “his speeches are so disjointed.” And I think, “this sounds like every conversation I had before someone prescribed me Adderall.”

@DefiantLs Don Lemon is a perfect example of why we need to preserve the word, “retard.”

Don Lemon on the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, “This is not normal. The Trump regime is trying to take away press freedom. They are trying to kill the First Amendment. You have to take a stand and if you’re in that room you are co-signing this. You are complicit in normalizing something that should not be normal”

@BobMurphyEcon @EdbieLigerSmith I long to be, on my own economics courses, as funny as you are every day.

@EdbieLigerSmith do a 6th minute of research

I used to believe this too. Then I did 5 minutes of research & realized socialism is literally common sense. But the only way to achieve a lasting Socialism is Communism. Aka revolutionary working class struggle & striving for higher & higher levels of development.

@KeithOlbermann Boy, did this age badly.

To repeat: if you are attending the Correspondents Dinner tonight and you are not planning to actively protest the presence of Trump and his henchmen and yet you claim to be a journalist and a patriotic American.. You are neither a journalist nor an American STAND FOR SOMETHING

@DefiantLs I feel like an “alpha male” would be able to grow a full beard.

"Hey MAGA, want to see a real alpha male?"

When I was a kid, one of my moms friends told me that I could grow up to be a great lawyer, and that’s the nicest way I’ve ever heard to tell a child that he’s being a dick.

I feel so angry that the Southern Poverty Law Center was paying people to be racist. All this time, I’ve been doing it for free.

A computer can never create real art, because computers can’t be horny, which is the foundation of true art.

I understand that Kumail Nanjiani isn't SUPERfamous. But he was in a Marvel movie, and I feel that's too famous for Taskmaster.

I’m sorry I missed your call, but I was on the internet and, as a person from the 1900’s, I can’t do both at the same time.

I had such lucky timing that the best music ever made was released when I was 15 to 25.

David Attell has gotten a lot more political lately.