Victoria Dyson

@VictoriaCoren Me neither. If it’s Victoria’s choice, should yours be a charming shade of Portillo? ❤️

The irony is, I don’t like the colour.

@RealTimVine He’s only gone and done it again. 👏 Masterful.

Nope.

@GaryDelaney Oh man. This is one of those jokes that makes you happy you got. But also makes you feel dirty and sad for getting at the same time. So conflicting!! 💩

Last night I got absolutely shit-faced. Not on purpose, my glass coffee table broke.

@GaryDelaney Thanks for the head’s up. I’ve just bought 16. And I definitely own a dog. Yup. 👀

Ahem.

@GeoffNorcott I’m always shocked at the amount of women who come out of the cubicles and don’t wash their hands! Even if I’ve gone in just to blow my nose/fix a wedgie, I’ve still touched the germy door! No more singing Happy Birthday 18x or whatever it is we were meant to do! 🤷‍♀️

Can we normalise people flushing public toilets again? WTF is going on. Are we preserving water as part of the war effort?

Mary Poppins in 2026. ☂️ She’s a Bad Nanny. Had a great time at the New Act Night at Backyard Comedy! 🎤 Ps. Don’t do drugs, kids. 🤗

In 2014, I was annoyed standing in front of magazine racks at train stations that there was nothing that appealed to me. The usual ‘women’s magazines’ didn’t speak to me and were too centred on beach bodies, white trousers and which fruit my body resembled. Add to this that I love women. Ever since I worked for WHSmith and then the Jobcentre, I’ve been surrounded with women at work. When I got into comedy, those numbers dropped dramatically (they’re better now hoo-fucking-ray). So I started setting up small work places full of women. My TV series, my new material gig, writers’ rooms, my radio shows. Women, women, women. I decided to do something about the lack of magazines for women like me (whatever that means) and thus create another all-women work space, a healthy, more interesting and feminist alternative to the magazines that were out there. And thus began Standard Issue Magazine, edited by the fantastic Mickey Noonan. We were lucky enough to have some incredible women write wonderful articles for us. And the whole thing was run by 12 awesome women. In 2017, I decided it was time to move with the times and we became a podcast @StandardIssueUK. The team: Mickey Noonan, Hannah Dunleavy and Jen Offord have since created over a thousand brilliant episodes of a podcast that treats women like they have brains, because we do, and are interested in the world. We are for women, by women, about everything. And we shine a light on some incredible sports women, journalists, playwrights, entrepreneurs, heck, all sorts of women from all walks of life who have something to say. Standard Issue is a podcast championing women's voices, and packed with interviews, news, film, opinion and humour. And on this International Women’s Day, I’d love you to give it a listen. Or comment on this post if you have listened. Or share it with your followers. It all helps. We hope you enjoy it. We’re super proud of it. I feel this way about this project every day but today feels like a good day to shout about excellent women and their work.

I didn't realise my wife was so unhappy. Must have taken my eye off the bawl. #LunchPun (new joke book available - see my pinned post)

@GaryDelaney @ChorleyTheatre But did he find your Gee-Gee spot? 😮 🐴 🍑

A horse trainer gave me a hot tip... This is a joke from a Work in Progress show @ChorleyTheatre where I tested new jokes for my Gary on Laughing tour. This one didn’t make the cut so it’s going on my socials instead. Come and see the ones that made the grade. Link in bio , comments etc. Baby needs shoes. Please like, share, comment and all that stuff so the algos show this video to people. Thank you. 🙏

If you know...

@DerrenBrown Stunning photo and a stunning show. Also saying ‘murmuration’ out loud is eternally pleasing.

Took my camera out after a long break. A gorgeous murmuration last night over Eastbourne pier. Here all week with Only Human and there are tickets left. Love from the seaside. #streetphotography

An Intimate Poem. 🌷 By me. ✍️ You may want to watch it twice. 😉

@GeoffNorcott I’m not lucky enough to have kids but still, damn those dusty onions. 🥹

It’s weird how rarely you hear what it actually feels like to be a Dad. This answer to ‘who are you jealous of?’ from Bob Odenkirk had me blaming dust & onions.

I've got some time between now and the final mix of my film to read some scripts if anybody out there would like some notes? Send me a message :)

@maxharvey79 Ok, well now I can’t stop singing that! 🧤

Stevie Wonder used to employ me to make his hand garments, two days a week. I was his part time glover.

@richardosman This is delightful. I love everything about this marketing pus(s)h. 😻 Even the tiny little coffee cup on the ground amused me. Bravo, Richard. Keep taking over the world. 👏

#WeChaseShadows out this September #EvenMoreTrouble

My first ever trip to the incredible @Backyard_Comedy last night! Can’t believe I got to perform! 🎤 Brilliant all-female line-up ahead of International Women’s Day. I - or rather, Mary Poppins - got to be practically imperfect in every way. Bad Nanny. ☂️ 🍷 🔞

@paulgibson1 Sigh, I know. Oh to have that pungent, rotting skin again. 🥹

@Dyson4Tea It’s a genuine shame you’ve let yourself go from those heady days. 😄

Lots of people are sharing nostalgic memories from 2016. Everyone looks adorably fresh-faced! This was me 10 years ago. Relieved to admit I’ve since discovered moisturiser, sleep, and dentistry. (It was for a zombie themed advert. Sorry if I’ve put you off your dinner.) 🧟‍♀️

@GaryDelaney I’m looking forward to the Godzilla vs Bugbear film trilogy! Also no one wants a Bugbear near their Pacific Rim.