Matt Fletcher

Here's a chart I knocked together to compare the sizes of different countries using nested squares - idea from @MooseAllain's son.

@ericpromislow @NC_Renic Similarly, “I suggest you waste no time in hiring this candidate”

Letters of recommendation: American: “I am thrilled to recommend!!!” British: “I am willing to endorse” German: “I am annoyed to be asked”

@RogersHistory About 20 years ago, due to space I had to park in front of my house but overlapping my neighbour’s slightly, meaning she had to park a bit further forward than usual. When I drove away, she immediately came out of her house to drop her car back literally 2 feet…

Live on a standard residential terrace street and got this note through the letterbox last night because the car was parked a bit further down the road.

Trust @sTeamTraen to find a social media team that works only in imaginary time.

@drivelcast @vizcomic “These so-called speed humps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.”

Is there a @vizcomic Letter or Top Tip that lives rent-free in your head? EVERY time I'm driving, I think of the person who wrote in to say "Why should I use my indicators? It's none of your business where I'm going"

@h_m_n_t_X @fesshole No, I thought “I’d be astonished if @MooseAllain hadn’t come up with some variation on this” - searched his tweets for the words and voila!

@FletchMK64 @fesshole You had this bookmarked, precisely for this tweet? Do you lottery numbers?

I have been carrying around the first part of a joke in my head for over a decade. It's so perfect but I just can't think of a punchline. So now I'm cursing you, too, with the set up: what's the difference between a raffia mat and a mafia rat?

Government departments should be allowed to spend money on biscuits, tea, and all other things normal offices have. This is my hill.

Watched my twins doing a dance show - there was a toddler behind me who kept asking his dad “has it started yet?” When it started he switched to “what’s this one called?” then after about 3 dances: “OK Dad, is that it?”

@watsoncomedian As long as when they use the exactly same word as us - let’s say for a sport - they mean exactly the same thing, it’s all good.

(QUIETLY, RESPECTFULLY) American spelling, pronunciation and usage sometimes vary marginally from ours in a way that is to be expected after centuries of separate cultural development. Don't let it ruin your day!

@Herring1967 Shouldn’t Richard Osman be guest host for the final episode?

The show could also detail the reasons why the person needs to fuck off. When the show is cancelled, the host (me) also has to fuck off (without payment)

@Herring1967 I do, it’s peasy!

Ah my poor fool, do you not understand the 30 year old reference?

@RamsayKlein @Herring1967 But do you remember remembering “Remember Decimalisation”?

@jelly_ehles I told my 3-year-old twins (they’re 15 now) that if they didn’t put their shoes on I’d leave without them. One of them said: “you can’t actually do that can you Daddy? Because you can’t stay home by yourself unless you’re a teenager. And we’re only three”

I did the age old threat to my 3 year old that if she didn’t pick up her toys all over her room that I would throw them away,….. this girl looked me in the eyes & said “do what you gotta do, have fun” MA’AM!!!!!!

@robmanuel How about: roll a red die and a blue die. Take the value of the red die, unless the blue one is a 6, in which case use note 7. Double 6 is a re-roll (or something fun that happens one in every 36 notes)

Just been puzzling how to roll dice to produce a musical note, given 7 notes in a major scale, you need to roll two dice. The most workable I've come up with is first roll = notes 1 to 6 and second roll, if it's a double, that's then note 7. This slightly favours note 7 but hey.

@greg_jenner Something, something, feet of clay?

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn.

@robmanuel @fesshole Just checked and Peter Heine Nielsen is another Fesshole follower - he’s a strong grandmaster in his own right but more notably the coach of two World Champions (Vishy Anand and Magnus Carlsen).

@robmanuel @fesshole Yeah, thought you might appreciate a slightly different (but still impressive) one. Scrolling through the replies I reckon Hugh Laurie’s the best I’ve seen!

I need to work out who are the most famous people following @fesshole and annoyingly nothing in the admin screens really tells me this. Can you tell me who you've spotted? My personal favourite is Myleene Klass of Hear'say, not for the reasons YOU think, just it made me giggle.

@sTeamTraen This! Also never use “table” as a verb as it can mean two exactly opposing things.

Can we please, please stop using "drop[ped]" to mean "release software", when many of us assume it means the exact opposite ("Google insiders told us that the planned 1.5 update has been quietly dropped")?