Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺

Merry Christmas, Mr. President!

All I’m saying is, you don’t have to be debonair to be an accountant, but it doesn’t hurt…

some of you peaked in high school, whereas i continue to never peak

I only opened a Bluesky account so no one could steal my @

Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family. Me: Are you threatening me?

Oh, you like Thanksgiving? Name 3 pilgrims.

his latest nomination’s qualifications could best be described as “doable”

No one ever asks me why I’m single

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

Can’t get lucky without committing a crime? A cabinet post may be right for you!

I've been blocked by better.

Why such surprise that a moron who paid off women who he says he didn’t have sex with nominates another idiot who paid off a woman he denied raping?

“Trust me.” - person that can’t be trusted

The Unabomber was right

I’ve seen preschools with higher collective IQs than his cabinet.

Do you ever just look in the mirror at your perfectly modest outfit, and think "OMG if I lived in Tudor England everyone would think I was such a whore" and then just laugh because you'd be considered a whore regardless

If you're losing followers your doing it right!

When you say “your body, my choice” fully expect my stiletto to your groin.

It's ok to be there for others, but don't leave yourself behind.

expecting the best from people is an excellent first step if your ultimate destination is alcoholism

we’re all immigrants on this bus